Sunday, April 29, 2012

Raise Your Glasses to Support Retinoblastoma Cancer

There's no reason to sugar-coat at a time like this: Thursday will be the last normal Thursday night of the  school year and for approximately a quarter of BC students, it'll be the last one before...the last Thursday before...the last-JENKEMS STOP CRYING GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF. What I'm trying to say is we gotta make this one count. Some of you may know Nicole Schuster: current BC student. She's a savage on the field-hockey field, and a class act off of it. Truly a quality person. Nix approached us recently with a very relevant event (a little rhyme for your bush right there) and we saw no better Grand-Finale Thursday than this. Her e-mail:

Last year my nephew Edward was born at 25 weeks old, weighing only 1 pound and 12 ounces.  He spent almost 100 days in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) at the University of Virginia in a fight for his life.  After overcoming innumerable challenges in the NICU, we finally thought that Edward was in the clear. Then on March 1st, 2012, Edward was diagnosed with bilateral retinoblastoma, a rare pediatric eye cancer and started on his second fight for his life.  He is currently undergoing treatment for his cancer at UVA, Children's Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP) and the Wills Eye Institute. Only 200-300 kids in the U.S. are diagnosed per year so since it is so rare, Eddie has to go to specialists that have treated retinoblastoma before. Unfortunately, last week at his second treatment, the hospital informed our family that they made a mistake with the insurance coverage and Eddie’s 6-12 cycles of chemotherapy and eye surgeries will not be covered.

This Thursday, there will be an event at The Place in Boston (2 Broad Street, Boston, MA 02109) that will benefit my nephew’s chemo treatments and eye surgeries. The Place is not charging for this event so ALL of the proceeds will be going to pay for Edward’s treatments. Thanks in advance for your support in helping my nephew overcome his battle with cancer. I cannot stress enough how much this means to my family and me!

Few things to highlight here: 
1. No classes Friday (shibby).
2. The Place is a great spot to mix it up. It's downtown, but this Thursday's all about going big then stumbling home. 
3. This is a very practical cause that literally means the world to a one year-old kid and his family.
4. Wear sunglasses to honor the cause. Simple theme that's not over-the-top but still lets anyone interested strut their steeze. 
5. If you're still on the fence, the baby's full name is Edward Michael Johnson.
6. Tickets are $15 (EVERY PENNY of which goes toward Edward's treatment). Get in contact with Nicole via the facebook event or a sext/text/call to any of the following people:
Nicole Schuster 215-262-4826
Kara Mackintire 508-847-0969
AJ Ferrera 617-699-5607

***THIS IS A 21+ EVENT*** Proper identification is required at the door. No shenanigans, you guys.

Tell 'Em, Jerry


Thursday, April 26, 2012

Happy Draft Day!

RG3 will get asked what kind of socks he's wearing.
Kuechly to the Bills.
Donnie Fletcher to the Chargers in the 7th Round.
Pats won't get an offensive player before the 4th round.
Jets won't get a good player before the 7th round.
Chris shops Shinskie to Uncle Roggie but deal falls through after Roggie offers only the Molson sign and a gumball machine.


The Israeli Connection Between Bernie Fine and Sean Williams

The title of this post sounds like the title of a paper I would submit for a class entitled "Drug Misdemeanors and Sexual Abuse in Israeli Athletics in a Post 9/11 World." If you haven't heard, Bernie Fine just landed a job with an Israeli basketball team, Maccabi Bazan Haifa. I know, classic Bern move right? I read a little more of this article than I probably should have and stumbled upon, "After losing star center Sean Williams to the NBA when the lockout ended in December, Haifa has slumped to a 5-20 record that has the Greens, as they're known, stuck in last place in Israel's 11-team top division." I'm really not sure where a worse place to be would be: prison for touching kids or being an assistant to the worst basketball team in one of the worst leagues in one of the world's worst regions. 

And how did this job interview go? 

"So tell me about your last job Mr. Fine"
"Sure, glad you asked. I joined Syracuse in 1976 and had a blast from the beginning. The atmosphere at Syracuse is unbelievable. The passion around the team is truly special. I went to 3 Final Fours and 2 Championship games, winning it once. I enjoyed keeping my players on track academically too. Most of my time was spent crafting defensive schemes, rebounding for players working on their jumpshot after practice, and touching little boys. Overall my time at Syracuse is what I refer to as "My Golden Years."
"Excellent. What would you say your weakness is?"
"Rolling backpacks."
"OK, any other red flags I should know about?"
"None that comes to mind, no."
"Perfect. Mr. Fine, welcome to Maccabi Bazan Haifa!"

For those wondering, Sean Williams had a mere 2 points against Cuse when they played in 04-05. Did Williams not want to damage the confidence of who he knew would one day be the face of Maccabi Bazan Haifa? We may never know.

9:06 Tell me that isn't the rowdiest gym in the world.
16:09 Feature on Williams.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Sportsbook Wager of the Day NFL Draft props for this Thursday has first round QBs at over/under 3.5. Broston draft analyst and quarterback specialist Jenkems likes the over but let's see what our friends at the network have to say:

Kiper Mock Draft 4.0 | McShay Mock Draft 5.0 (buy insider)

Putting aside the first two picks, both Kiper and McShay still like Tannehill to the Dolphins at 8 as the only other QB taken in the first round and seem to believe that's a lock. Despite what our in-house draft analyst has to say I tend to agree with these two who are usually right when they share an opinion. I don't think that the better looking, more successful version of Shinskie (Weeden) is going to make it off the board in the first round unless for some reason Cleveland, who picks for a second time at 22, feels that he'll be taken sometime between 22 and their third pick at 37. Sportsbook likes the under also and lists it as a -180 favorite, winning you $11.11 with a $20 bet.

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

At Least Spaz Is Honest...

When I reflect on the BC football season and look ahead to the future, I see Ls.  As bad off as I think the Eagles will be in the coming seasons, at least I know we’re going to lose the right way: with mediocre talent and bad play calling i.e. with the stache at the helm.  Would I really rather lose honestly than win with a little extracurricular help?  Probably not, but every day when I hear the next (Blank)Gate coming out of the New Orleans Saints locker room, I cringe in disgust. 
As probably the biggest Saints fan you’ll find north of the Mason-Dixon line, every Sportscenter breaking news update makes me afraid to look at my TV.  While Greg Williams is a total scrub and I’m happy is no longer affiliated with the Saints organization, it pains me to see good men like Sean Payton and GM  Mickey Loomis taking the brunt of the Goodell charge.  I feel like Gerry Garner under the tyrannical rule of Tony Perkis.  Goodell is Perkisizing all over the Saints organization and unless Loomis shaves that douchy goatee I don’t see our chances of winning a home field Superbowl next season getting any better.  Loomis needs to take a lesson from Spaz: grow a mustache and they’ll believe anything you say.  The funny thing is that he doesn’t have anyone fooled that he’s a good coach. We know he sucks and he probably knows he sucks; he’s just doing what any one of us would do: not resign from a D1, high profile college football job.  It sucks that the Saints are getting an example made of them by the league, but it only goes to show that you can only play the system for so long and if you’re going to win in the long term, you eventually have to do it the right way.

Monday, April 23, 2012

That Didn't Take Long

Chris Kreider nets one for the Rangers. Hope to see more of this in the future.

Thursday, April 19, 2012

The C's Chances Just Got a Whole Lot Brighter

With Jermaine O’Neal lost to season-ending wrist surgery, Boston decided to bring in Sean Williams as an extra big.

The 25-year-old Williams is a great athlete and talented shot blocker, but his personal issues have kept him from living up to his considerable potential so far. Williams was dismissed from the Boston College basketball team his junior year after being suspended multiple times, and was arrested in 2009 after being drafted by the Nets with the 17th overall pick in the 2007 draft.


YA BOY IS BACK. Sean Williams comes in at the right time to cool everybody down after an up-and-down season that featured such distractions as non-stop Rondo trade talks and non-stop Greg Stiemsma - Aryan Brother comparisons. Williams a.k.a. The King of Not Giving a Fuck once wrote obscenities on a fingerprint card and trespass warning instead of his name when he was tossed from BC's Campus in '09 despite getting invited to watch the Duke game. I will now point out that they lost that game by a point and maybe if there was just one more passionate BC fan in the crowd the outcome could have been different. Alas, I can't wait to see this dude ball. Mark my words: If Sean gets busted high off his ass tomorrow (very, very, very likely) he sails into the number 3 spot on the list of Ironic Celtics Jerseys to Own behind Chris Herren and Len Bias, respectively.

Dwight: We Gettt Ittt

You want out, you want in, you want out again: we gettt ittt. You flip flop more than the clown ball boy at Cuse and you get hurt every god damn week. I can't stand this anymore..we get that nobody wants to play for SVG (SI player poll today) and playing 50 games over five months must be really brutal..but you're making the Magic impossible to bet on and my Sportsbook balance is already dangerously low. Get back on the court so someone can beat up on the Celts in the playoffs and quiet down all the "don't sleep on a veteran Boston team" fans (looking at you @sportsguy33).

Sunday, April 15, 2012

'Twas the Night Before Monday

As is tradition, we bring you the beautiful words of friend of the site, Notorious B.R.O. Fingers crossed Boggs comes.

'Twas the night before Monday, when all throughout Walsh, the sluts and the bros all prepared for the raunch. The 30’s were lined in the fridgeys with care, in hopes that Crunkushevene soon would be there.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of beer dragons danced in their heads. And Jenkem’s in his croakies, and I in my flatty, had just cracked ourselves our first scrumptious Natty.

When out in the Mods there arose such a clatter, I sprang to the window to see what was the fratter. Away to the Mods we flew with a flash, threw on some fresh pinnies to prepare for the bash.

Jenkem’s screamed out: “What’s that, is it chay?” I looked to the sky, dropped my jaw and said “Nay!” When, what to my blood shot eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh spewing out beer.

With a legend old driver, a drinking machine, I knew in a moment it must be Crunkushevene. Quicker than gravity he chugged like a boss, he howled and he shouted “FUCK YOU MIKE ROSS!

He descended from the heavens, and called us by name. Then he echoed out amongst us and explained why he came. “I’ve come for the crunk,” he said with a grin. “I know of tomorrow, now, who brought the tin?”

Lucky for us, I was strapped with a tinny, and I pulled out the Skoal tucked under my pinny. “I’ve seen you before,” Jenkems said with a pause. “Me too” I agreed… "Aren’t you…
Wade Boggs?”

My question amused him, he laughed and he said : "'Tis but a farce my good bros, you’ve all been misled. I am more than this beard and this Rays jersey of green. I am the Keeper of the Crunk, some call me Crunkushevene.”

“Now bros, I need pussy! Go find me a vixen. I’ve flown miles to be here, now I need me a fixin'. From the skanks of Co Ro, to the sluts of Walsh Hall, dash away, dash away, dash away all!”

The task at hand was not tough at all, just dropped the name Boggs and the sluts they did fall. After slaying 47 girls in 30 minutes or so, Boggs was done, and he was ready to go.

He climbed back on board his magnificent jet, and quickly inhaled 13 Miller Lites like a legendary vet. Climbing high into the heavens his plane it did soar, ascending to the ranks of Monday folklore.

There we stood, minds in a daze, still bedazzled by the great Boggs’ ways. From the stirrups to the biceps to the impeccable stache, his aura was majestic, his style unmatched.

Now it was bound to be a Monday unlike any other. Boggs came to Walsh as a god, but left as our brother.

He DUI’d his sleigh back to who-knows-where, beer dripping down his chin and Skoal ingrained in his facial hair. Off to a land where women were objects and “No means Yes”, how many he assaulted he’ll never confess.

Knowing not of personality nor brains, Boggs focused on breasts. The children lay warm anticipating a Monday of buddy sips and arrests.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Matt and Sarah Hasselbeck

It has come to my attention that Sarah Hasselbeck was once struck by lightning. That's a pretty cool fun fact, but compounding that with the fact that her husband Matt has been struck twice makes me both horny and scared. Put a statue of Matt being hit by two lightning bolts outside Alumni 5 minutes ago, Gene. If I could choose one thing to survive unharmed (other than the upcoming apocalypse), I'd probably go with lightning. The electrocution would probably sting, but I'd be a hero. "Oh, you had a rough day? Work was tough? I had a rough day twice. Yeah the heavens dropped dick on me in the form of a lightning bolt, but I'm sure the fact that your boss didn't give you a good quarterly review stings just as bad." And this happened twice, Matt? They say that the odds of being struck by lightning in a given year is 1/500,000 (Wikipedia). The odds of surviving such a strike is something entirely different. Matt beat the shit out of those odds twice what a hero! And to marry fellow strike survivor Sarah, former BC field hockey player (Wikipedia), that just makes me want to get all kinds of nakey. I wonder what was more painful for Sarah: giving birth or being hit by a megavolt/meter flash. The odds of this are astounding, and that's what's got me so giddy. I'd gladly sacrifice a pair of soiled pants for the opportunity to start every bar conversation with "I got struck by lightning once. Lost a lot of good men out there." Matt, keep making your Alma Mater proud. And until that third strike comes, keep your ear to the grindstone (not sure if those are conductors or insulators).

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Thursday, April 5, 2012

Gunnin For That #1 Spot

It's been a while since I've written "A Word of Advice" but I felt compelled to let the people know about this documentary I just watched. It's directed by Adam Yauch (a.k.a. MCA of the Beastie Boys) and follows 8 of the best high school basketball players in the country leading up to an invitational game at Rucker Park in 2007. The players featured are: Michael Beasley, Tyreke Evans, Brandon Jennings, Jerryd Bayless, Lance Stephenson, Donte Greene, and ya boy Kevin Love. And also...Singler. The soundtrack is one of the best in any film I've ever seen. The trailer's below and you can rent the film for 2.99 on iTunes.

Couple things I got from watching it:
- Listening to Singler talk made me understand just how creepy of a person he is.
- Kevin Love in high school was the cockiest white boy alive. Definitely bordering on wigger (he wears jorts).
- Michael Beasley has the maturity of a second grader but was a man amongst boys for most of the game clips. Spectacular shit-talker too.
- Brandon Jennings is a boss. Same with Jerryd Bayless, who was a guy I didn't really know much about.
- Tyreke Evans is hood as shit. Same with Lance Stephenson but he's averaging about a point per game in the league right now.

Jason Dufner's Dip Turning Heads

The Twitgame was blowin' up this afternoon when Auburn Tiger and frat legend Jason Dufner threw in a doggy for the ages. Would love to see this dude make a run.

Yeah, it was a nuclear bomb.

Monday, April 2, 2012

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The Greater Boston Comedy Relay

Our very own pen-pal Kevin Hall wrote us an uncharacteristically genuine email yesterday asking us to plug this event fighting cancer with comedy on April 11th. We've obliged for two reasons: 1. Kevin Hall will more likely than not be in the news one day (for good or bad, we still don't really know what he's all about) and I don't want to be sitting at home knowing that our email relationship in college went awry before we let him know how much we all appreciated his hatred. His alliance might be needed later on in life. Kevin might be a mild version of Steve Buscemi in Billy Madison for all we know (that's a joke Kev, we don't actually think you're violent). He's a mystery in our eyes and goddamn it we love it. 2. Most importantly, all kidding aside, we're plugging this because Kevin's got a good point: cancer sucks, and this seems like a unique way to raise money to support the cause. The event's gonna be a good time, and while we're not gonna sit here and encourage everyone to go and heckle Kevin, we're certainly not gonna sit here and discourage it either (Kev, we make joke again). Kevin and this blog have had an up-and-down relationship: he hates us as people and we love him as a hater. But despite our differences (and the fact that we've never met), we feel compelled to grant Kevin his wish and publicize this. Because if there is one thing that arch-enemies can agree on, it's that cancer sucks. I also gotta respect his resilience. Not many people love their grind as much as this guy does. He's the closest thing I've ever known to a chafeophile (lover of chafe). I literally know nothing about the event other than the information in this link, but that's what the internet is for. If anyone has interest, stopping by to help the cause would be a respectable thing, and it'd be greatly appreciated by everyone whose lives have been affected by cancer.