Saturday, October 29, 2011

Toss Up!

Been too long since we've played. If anyone has seen Jenkems, please bring him home. We're worried sick about him. We will thank you with Natty's. Here we go:

Legolas or Aragorn?
Zip-up hoodie or regular hoodie?
Clinch a pennant or date Erin Andrews for 2 months and have sleep-overs with her?
Have a boil on your face or always walk around with tuna in your pocket?
Jo-Jo or no?
No Eagle's Deli or no Ana in Eagle's Nest? (God bless our souls)
Lose an absolute heart-breaker or lose by a landslide?
Darth Vadar or Scut Farkus?
Busch Heavy or Natty Ice?
Venus or Serena Williams?
Contract malaria or marry Rosie O'Donnell?
Reese's or Reese's Pieces?
Jack Nicholson or Meg Ryan?
Be an RA or a cop?
Start wrinkling or balding?
Get rocked by Ray Lewis every morning when you get out of bed or pee the bed every night you sleep with a chick?
Cheerios or Honey Nut Cheerios?
Candy Corn or AIDS?
Be the best basketball player in the world or the best football player in the world?
Go 1-11 with our only win coming against Notre Dame or go 6-6 and get wrecked by ND?
Skip Bayless or Stephen A. Smith?

Deuce Finch is playing like a hero right now on NESN.

Top 500 Feelings - #386 Eating Candy Corn

I don't know/care or have respect for whoever wrote the post from 2 days ago. Candy corn is god's gift to humanity and if you disagree you probably pay for your Chicken Parms at Lower in cash. Tis the season of corn. Eat up.

OK Nike

Friday, October 28, 2011

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Chafe - Candy Corn

Nothing spoils a Halloween candy bag like a handful of Candy Corn. The Singlers certainly hand these out every Halloween, and so does every other asshole trying to take the night from me. They taste terribly, come in extremely small portions, and are unwrapped so my mom wouldn't let me eat them even if I wanted to. You can't ever trade these for any respectable candy, so all they really ever do is weigh down your pillowcase and take up space. They're good for the occasional throw at a passing car, but they can't even do that right all the time. Who got the idea to hand these out to kids on Halloween? There are so many options out there and you settle on these? Sure, the color scheme fits the season but it's about tasting good, not like morning breath. How bout a Snickers? Twix? Reese's? How are these classic Halloween candies? Just not for me. Fuck Candy Corn, stop ruining this for all of us.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Happy Thursday!

"Remember us." As simple an order as a senior can give. "Remember why we died." For he did not wish tribute, nor song, nor monuments nor poems of natty and ruby. His wish was simple. "Remember us," he said to me. That was his hope, should any freshman come across that night, in all the countless centuries yet to be. May all our voices whisper to you from the ageless bars, "Go tell the students, passerby, that here by Thursday law, we lie."

Craig Smith Killin It

I feel like we shit on BC a lot so I'm just gonna give them a pat on the back for making a promotional video that features Craig Smith high off his ass.

Top 500 Feelings - #499 Starburst Comes in the Right Order

Not a huge candy guy anymore but ‘tis the season. Opened up a 12-er of starburst and got the immaculate order right off the bat. I know that hypothetically, I could have rearranged and ate them in whatever order I wanted to, but it’s just better this way. It’s like God giving me a nice slap on the ass. What a pleasant surprise. I agree with this order 100%, and while it’s not unanimous, it definitely is a common order. That’s beside the point. The point is, if you get your preferred order, whatever it is, you can keep the ones on deck in the sleeve, which substantially lowers the risk of assholes taking some from you. I haven’t seen any tropical starburst in years. Those are the shit. You know what's even better than this pertaining to starburst? When you get those two-packs and you get a pink and a red. Meanwhile the guy next to you got hit with two oranges. What a country. That's all I really have to say about that...

Monday, October 24, 2011

Best Campaign Commercial Ever

Watch from the beginning and watch the whole thing. Hysterical.

A Funny YouTube Video: Priceless

I think HBO should take control over commercials if they ever want us to watch them again. At least other countries get some funny ones.


Chafe - People Holding Hands On Campus

Can't believe I haven't written about this already. Nothing makes me taste a little vom in my mouth like seeing people holding hands on campus. Maybe if you're a mile away and you're walking into your off-campus spot for some afternoon delight I can understand it. But if you're holding hands while leaving the Rat on a Monday morning take a long look at your life. Then punch yourself in the dick. This is middle campus, not an intimate scene from Dear John. And just cause I haven't said it in a while...WE GETTT ITTT, you're dating. You keep holding that chick's hand, I'll keep my hand down my sweats where it belongs.

Baby Chafe - Calibri (Body)

How come every time I’ve opened up Microsoft Word and started typing, I’ve had to erase my first couple letters, change the font, and then start over again? Why is Calibri (Body) the default font? When was the last poll taken? Calibri (Body) can’t possibly be in the conversation for most-used font anymore. Times New Roman is so much fresher than Cailbri. Additionally, 12 point is about as standard as a font can get, so I don’t know how 11 is on the podium every time I start typing. I’ve never gotten an assignment for a paper that demanded Calibri (Body) 11. When teachers are that specific about your font choice, or when there’s a length for a paper, it never says “3 pages typed in Calibri (Body) 11 point font”. Never. It’s always Times New Roman, and it's always 12 point. How many times have I used Microsoft Word in my life? Can anyone even postulate how absurd that number must be? How many seconds per visit does this Calibri fiasco cause me? Anywhere between 3 and 7. All I’m saying is it adds up. Calibri (Body) has probably cost me the better part of an hour cumulatively. And if there’s one thing I’ve learned today, it’s that it’s October 24th already, which doesn’t even seem feasible. Time is precious, I don’t want Calibri (Body) taking any more of it from me.

Wingdings over everything.

Sunday, October 23, 2011

Acid No Hitter

This isn't new, but I enjoy watching it every few months or so. Dock Ellis is a legend.

"I'm high as a Georgia Pine!"

"They knew I was high but they didn't know what I was high on"

Friday, October 21, 2011

This Is Broston College

I know what you're all asking yourself, and the answer is yes. Yes he has a doggy in.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

True Housewives of South Boston

Wish this was real.

Happy Thursday!

"Thursday, you got the fresh night. I know tonights move, Mary Anns, to Cityside, anticipate it and you got it."
"What if he goes to Roggies?"
"He's fancy, he'll go Cityside. Dont hesitate, lets go"

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Best Room on Campus

This has to be the best classroom on campus by far, and (pending any masterpieces in Stokes) it should remain that way for a long time. Gasson workers must have had their fair share of Adderall on them this summer because not only did they finish the outside of the building, they also made this. They furnished this room with a procrastination-friendly ceiling that includes six speeches (all in different languages), portraits, and then they put names of past graduates on the front wall. It looks like a goddamn cathedral in here. I came in here looking to study, now I just want world peace. Compare this to some of the basement rooms in Carney and you're talking about a gap analogous to SEC vs. A10 football. This room has to be one of Kiper's best available rooms come study days. There's only one table in here right now, but it's definitely got the intangibles. If I had a class in here that allowed computers, I think I could walk out of next semester fluent in Latin and Ancient Greek. Gasson 305, I am not alone in thinking you make Fulton 511 look like a brothel.

Spitter of the Week - Walsh Elevator Shaft

I would love to see whats at the bottom of the Walsh elevator shaft.

I still can't believe the check-in policy. Talk about defacing a national monument. I might as well go graffiti a giant penis on the White House.

Baby Chafe - People Who Hold A Pen/Pencil Weird

Boy am I glad that someone taught me how to hold a pencil the normal way. Some hand contortionists out there like to grip a pencil in the most bizarre ways. Whenever I try to copy them to see what it's like, I either can't write fast or I start cramping. For a long time I thought there was only one universal way to hold a pencil but time has shown me that there are people out there (I'm guessing Kyle Singler is one of them) who just hold a pencil in a weird way. Stop. You're making me uncomfortable. There is no way in hell that holding a pencil with five fingers is more effective/efficient/comfortable than holding it normally. I don't like to stereotype but my guess is the same people that hold a pencil weird are probably avid Ren and Stimpy fans and most likely root against America during the Olympics...

Shia LeBeouf Gets His Ass Kicked

Who would do such a thing? Beans?

Top 5 Songs I Have Heard the Most at College

5. Only the Good Die Young
Nuff said.

4.Party Rock Anthem
I despised this song at first then accepted I couldn't escape it and learned to love it. I think it was the ill rhymes that made me change my mind - "We gettin money, don't be mad. Stop, hating is bad." Almost shat myself the first time I heard them drop that line. And people say hip hop is dead.

3. Sexy Bitch
I always enjoyed the fact that even though Akon was "tryna find the words to describe this girl without being disrespectful" it was just too difficult a task and she's a bitch at the end of the day, albeit a sexy one. Sophomore year this thing would average 2.8 plays per bar per night (PPBPN).

2. Glory Days
Anytime I'm down at the well drinking till I get my fill, I always hope that when I graduate I don't sit around thinking about it, but I probably will.

1. Party in the U.S.A.
This song had a fucking stranglehold on the BC community about 2 years ago. And it was amazing. The only brighter point in BC history was the Miracle in Miami. Brings me back to the days of Walsh. Speaking of which, tried for the first but not last time to get by the security desk last weekend. That thing really is as bad as people make it sound.

Monday, October 17, 2011

BC Charging 87 Dollars For Notre Dame Tickets

You think the school would get a clue when the student section is 60% full for a max of 2 quarters at all our home games, but now they go and pull a stunt like this. How about giving students tickets for free (let alone covering our RV's or our fratjuice supply for the ride), that way we can actually get a decent amount of fans in the stands so we can at least pretend to give a shit about whether we win or lose. The sad thing is kids are obviously still going to buy tickets for the ND game, myself included. If you think I'm not gonna be pouring #beersinmypants in Notre Dame Stadium you're high. Just know that when you give BC that 87 bucks that it will be spent wisely on marketing that will bring in only the finest 3-star recruits our scouts can find through Google.

Pic doesn't really have anything to do with this but I don't hear anybody complaining.

P.S. No respect for people who fly to Notre Dame. Much respect to teachers who move tests that were originally on that Friday or Monday.

Work Orders

Filing a work order takes 2 minutes and the maintenance guy is there within a half hour of the report being filed, but nothing my roommates and I have ever broken has been fixed in under a month at BC. I have no idea why, but we always, without fail, wait until we fail a room inspection until logging onto portal and submitting a form. Maybe everyone in the room just expects someone else to take care of it, but it never gets taken care of until it's too late. The collection of maintenance workers who come is nothing short of phenomenal. They're probably RedBeard's subordinates because they work quickly and no worker I've ever had has cared about any ResLife rules my room was violating. I'm not entirely convinced they are even official BC employees, but I firmly believe they do the most efficient work on campus. It would be an honor to file a work order Friday night during a mod party (pretty sure they work around the clock so the 9-5 jant is below them) so I could repay them with a natty or seven. They've probably walked into rooms indescribably fucked up at terribly weird times. If those guys ever wanted to, man they'd have some stories to tell.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Photo of the Year

Talk about giving it everything you got. A legendary action photo courtesy of some fratstars at Freshleyan.

Friday, October 14, 2011

A Bro You Should Know - Teemu Selanne

If you don't know who Teemu Selanne is, you're dead to me. I was watching a game the other day and heard his name and assumed they were talking about one of his great games from the 80's. No. Selanne is still fucking skating. To give you an idea of how old he is, he was drafted by the Winnipeg Jets 7 years before they shut down in 1995. And he's still tearing it up. He was 8th on total points in the NHL last year, not to mention netting 6 playoff goals in 6 postseason games.

You may not know that Teemu, 41, taught kindergarten for 3 years in Finland before coming to the NHL. You also probably don't know that he is one of 400 people on the planet that own Ferrari Enzo's. Chill. In his free time, Selanne has entered WRC rallycar events, where he races under the fake name "Teukka Salama", which translates to "Tommy Lightning." And yes, he was once voted the sexiest man in Finland. Thanks wikipedia. Teemu has 3 kids: Eemil, Eetu, and Leevi. Much like his own parents, clearly Teemu is a big fan of vowels. If that's not enough, check this for a fucking celly (from when we were 3 years old).

P.S. Is this Hotter Mom poll the best we've ever had? Neck and neck right now.

A Word of Advice - Entertain Yourself While YouTube Figures it Out

This tip came up in one of my classes and I thought it was too random to not pass along. When YouTube is buffering, press an arrow key and you immediately start playing a game of snake. There a few obvious facts that make this word of advice painfully irrelevant: 1. Wi-Fi at and around BC is usually nothing short of phenomenal, so YouTube rarely struggles to load. 2. Snake was the best game available on cell-phones back in the '90's, there are other better games available to us now. However, if you hate college and are abroad somewhere where our internet speed of the '90s went, or you just want to pay some homage to the game that passed many car-rides circa fourth grade, the opportunity has presented itself.

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Happy Thursday!

"Where's White Horse? Can we take the T there?" "Keep still." "Are you thinking about Cantab? Look here, if you share a cab with me we can check the line at White Horse then go on to Cantab." "I tell you I can do better than that. I need no cab. All I need is someone sober enough to drive my roommate's Jeep Wrangler there."

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

Spitter of the Week - Empty Jack3d Container

Thanks for the tip, you know who you are.
Any more spitters/coasters/stories? Send them to

In Case You've Been Wondering What Tyrese Rice Has Been Up To...

He's been getting tattoos while eating Doritos. Word.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Sign of the Apocalypse

Twitter's great and all but this is too far. Seems like a pretty desperate move from Michigan. Would love to hear Bob Knight's opinion on this.

Paul Konerko Was Almost Hired as Player-Manager

Apparently, Ken Williams approached owner Jerry Reinsdorf with two lists for a possible replacement of their traded manager Ozzie Guillen. The first list, option A, featured several names of guys with managerial experience. The second list featured two names: Robin Ventura and Paul Konerko, neither of whom have any managerial experience. Obviously the White Sox went with Ventura, leaving us all with nothing to do but allude to Jackie Moon and think about what could have been. From a baseball standpoint, Konerko probably doesn't make much sense (and neither does Ventura in my opinion). Additionally, Konerko didn't really want this. But for entertainment purposes, why didn't they give him the job? Pauly's been the offense for the White Sox, especially as of late. He's hit slumps, but the consensus has been that he's a hero.
I could just imagine John Danks giving up a walk to load the bases and having Konerko run over to the mound, take the ball from Danks, call in a reliever, then trot back to first base. Konerko is already one solid play-off run away from getting a statue outside of U.S. Cellular, so if he did manage this team and took them on a miraculous run to the postseason, the 20% of Chicago who care about the White Sox would be starting a new religion.

Another Day in Africa

This is what I do to parkour kids.

"Holy cah! Shet!"

Thursday, October 6, 2011


Today I was trying to think of how many Apple products my family had bought since I was born. My estimates were: 10 laptops/desktops, 8 iPods, and 4 iPhones. I think it's safe to say my family has given Apple at least 15,000 bucks over the last 20 years. Without Jobs, I would have been raised a PC shmeeb. Without Jobs, we'd all be listening to Zunes on the T instead of iPods. Now don't get me wrong, nothing deserves a "firstworldproblems" hashtag like moaning about Steve Jobs' death does, but take some time tonight to pour out a bottle for Stevie J.

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

A Thing Of Beauty

I wish I could play with Zidane in FIFA '12

This Is Broston College

They know, they knowww they knowww they knowwwwww

Follow @BrostonCollege you scallywaggers.

The Spanish Grind

First of all, fuck you weasels who schemed out of a language requirement on a count of ADD or some other make believe, makes-it-rain-adderall condition. And yes, the source of my anger is pure jealousy. These days, there is literally no better tool to have on your belt than a mild learning disability, so touché to those of you lucky enough.

Intermediate Spanish is without an ounce of doubt the worst part of my senior year. I took elementary at BC as a sophomore and then I took a year off, which in hindsight was a bad idea. You could say that I’m back to square one. You could also say I’m staring a C+ (by doing C- work) dead in the eye. The only things you’re going to hear out of my mouth in an Intermediate Spanish class are, “I have no idea what you’re saying,” or “Puedo ir al baño?” which is “Can I go to the bathroom?” Will that lead to a low attendance score that counts for 20% of our final grade? My guess is yes.

There is homework due every class, most of which you’re given the answers to and expected to correct yourself in a different color ink. The chafe here is that cheating this system by looking up the answers and pretending to have made mistakes ends up being more difficult than just doing the work like you’re supposed to (not really, but it’s close). In class we’re forced to engage in one-on-one conversations with a compañero (in the form of a random Freshman or Sophomore who speaks Spanish really well) for excruciating periods of time. These little chats consistently turn in to some of the most awkward classroom interactions out there. On top of it all, quizzes/tests are departmental and religiously handed back, so getting your paws on old ones is out of the question.

The (not so) Intermediate Spanish mind fuck is starting to get the better of me and will only continue to do so. Just going to have to survive it. Three classes a week, 50 minutes a class, this semester and next, with only and Eagle's Nest Ana to lean on for help.

Unofficial "Official" Seats

Well folks, I think it's safe to say that we are past the days of assigned seats. No longer can teachers keep you from your bff's or your class crush, we finally have the freedom of choice that for so long we were deprived of. In a weird way I miss assigned seats. It was like a lottery every time seats got shuffled up. Sometimes you won (and were probably moved because of talking too much) and other times you felt like a leper shunned from society.

But have things really changed at college? Even though you technically can sit wherever you want, most people go to the same spot every class. It's like the unofficial 40 time, even though it says unofficial, you still listen to it. This really puts an emphasis on the first weeks of classes. You have to establish your territory early. Let it be known that if anyone takes your back row seat, you'll break their finger. Pee on your territory if you have to. Do anything to let the class know not to mess with your prime real estate. Once a few classes have passed and people have settled into their respective seats, you can relax a little bit. The shmeebs in your classes are like trained animals. They walk in and directly go to their unofficial "official" assigned seat. If one of them is messing up the team chemistry and you need to poach their seat, get to class a little early and let them know that there's a new sheriff in town.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Top 500 Feelings - #13 Getting Your License

Seeing other kids driving to school in their sophomore year of high school used to rip my heart out. I couldn't wait to get behind the wheel but was stuck riding shotgun with mom. As soon as I got my license I went nuts. The first few months of driving were a straight blur of speeding, doughnuts, ghostriding, Chinese fire drills, the whole works. A few tickets later, I stopped partying so hard behind the wheel, but I could never forget the rush of finally getting to be in the driver's seat. Beats turning 21 any day.

iPhone 5!!!

Nah, actually Steve Jobs is just fucking with you. It's the 4S. Why not just call it the 5? It's beyond me.

Don't know what to make about this "Siri" feature (see video). Obviously Apple had to go with a weird name for this, I expected much weirder after they released an operating system called Snow Leopard. With Siri, basically you just tell your phone to do shit and it does it. Don't know how much I would use that feature... maybe a "find my tin" or "remind me to tweet about the legend who works for BC Facilities with the massive red beard" here and there but not much else. I might not use it, but you know who would? Blind people, that's who. Apple's got that demographic on lock and lets the world know about it at the end of the video. You think Ray Charles in the background was a coincidence?

Rally Lips

If I ever coached a team in any sport at any age, rally lips would be mandatory for the last portion of all elimination games. Joe Maddon has the right idea here, as he clearly ordered his player in the background to throw in this gumper. Sometimes they work, sometimes they don't. But hey, at least when they don't, you have one hell of a crutch to lean on after ending your season.


Lips didn't work out for the Rays, and Fox showed Adrian Beltre saying "Fuck yeah boys" in the postgame celebration at the pitcher's mound. What a guy. We have the video, but not the expressed written consent of the MLB so you'll just have to YouTube it.

Chafe - Ignacio Doors

I just don't see the logic in these doors. If someone is walking out of the hallway into the stairwell, in order to open the door they have to block the stairwell, so they have to wait for the door to close in order to continue downstairs. If there are people walking up the stairs, then there's an even bigger problem. There is literally a six-inch space between the door and the stairs when the door is open. That simply is not enough. I'm no genius, but shouldn't the door open into the hallway, which is much wider and longer? If you're walking into the hallway, it's a tough to open the door without looking like a complete idiot. Regardless of which way you're coming from, you're going to be delayed by the doors. Move-in day in Iggy must be a war scene. People must get hurt/seriously discouraged by doors this stupid. Stokes workers should stop what they're doing for 3 hours, fix these doors, then resume because this isn't working.

Monday, October 3, 2011


Name that college. Answers under each pic.

Kerry Collins

Nate Robinson

Jason Campbell

Steve Smith

Double Challenge:
Greg Jennings

Anthony Kim