Thursday, June 30, 2011
Hansen found himself on the receiving end of his own hidden camera tactics after the married NBC anchor was secretly filmed on an illicit date with a blonde television reporter 20 years his junior. He was the subject of a four-month long sting operation conducted by 'The National Enquirer' after he allegedly began an affair with former NBC intern Kristyn Caddell, a 30-year-old Florida journalist.
Hansen, you smug asshole, why? You love making messed up people feel like complete shit, and no one's better at it. But now you're the fool. This isn't how it's supposed to work. If Hansen's wrong, I don't wanna be right. I know she's legal but it's still ironic that Chris Hansen is robbing cradles. 20 years is a big age difference. And in a sting operation? Perfect. If only Joey Greco and his Cheaters crew got this on film, that'd be the ultimate slap in the face. Greco...
Monday, June 27, 2011
My cleaning lady is a good person. She definitely wouldn’t say the same thing about me, but she’s a good person. We’ve been in a silent war for about 8 years now, and I don’t see this one ending any time soon. It's a grind. Every Wednesday before I head downstairs, I go to find my deodorant and it’s not in the usual spot on top of my dresser. After a brief moment of confusion I realize my Aqua Reef is in the bathroom because my cleaning lady came in my room the previous day and put it there. Despite how much I’ve asked my parents, they won’t fire her for imposing this tiniest of baby-chafes on me every week. I strike back. Every time I lose something that my mom warned me not to lose, it’s just my instinct to throw my cleaning lady under the bus, accusing her of stealing anything from gift certificates to my 2nd grade art-works. Also, whenever I’m home on Tuesday mornings, I can’t help but get the feeling that the cleaning lady is following me around the house. I’ll start watching TV in the family room, then 5 minutes later she barges in with the loudest vacuum in the region, so I move. 10 minutes after that she’s in the basement disrupting me again. Jesus, lady. It’s like she’s out to get me.
I have long known that she comes on Tuesdays, and have recently started abusing that knowledge. If there’s interest to party around town I immediately offer my house if Tuesday is near. On Monday nights me and whatever selection of weird people I find can go into my basement and act like a bunch of retarded gorillas without a worry in the world. I don’t care because I know that by the time I wake up tomorrow, my basement lair will be cleaner than it was before the madness. It’s like clockwork. That should teach her to not touch my Old Spice. I clean up enough at school, and I like to consider this the off-season. Whenever my parents ask me to clean my room or the basement on the weekend, I give it about 30% because I know that she’s just gonna come in Tuesday and kill it for me. It makes me a terrible person, I know, but I just want my Aqua Reef on my dresser every Tuesday Morning. Ellie, if you read BrostonCollege, stop moving my deodorant so we can end this war once and for all and have a proper cleaning-lady (preferably maid) relationship like the people do online…
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Andres Gonzales is an up-and-coming golfer and soon to be America's favorite in any tournament he plays in. Although that is mainly just because of his looks - hair like Thor and a fu manchu that would make Jared Allen blush, he's also funny as shit. On the other hand, if you look like this guy I'm pretty sure you have to be a funny person. He tweets at Tiger Woods constantly (who he's never met) and begs him to hang out with him. Some of his tweets:
Friday, June 17, 2011
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Monday, June 13, 2011
Somebody should have passed that on to D-Wade and that other guy on his squad. Hot-doggin' like this in front of the Dallas bench prompted a quick 22-5 run and gave Dallas Game 2. Then Wade and Bron went on to poke fun at Dirk's sickness by fake-coughing in front of cameras (not sure how a 101 fever could be called faking sick on Dirk's part but then again few things make sense when it comes to the Heat).
I could write a million things about this series, but don't have the attention span nor work ethic to do so. I will say that two things bothered me about LeBron's Game 6 postgame press conference. One, if you're gonna act like/aspire to be one of the best of all time, you've gotta come off as being a little more angry/disappointed when you lose. LeBron's nonchalant attitude might have passed earlier in his career, but now as he approaches his veteran years and leads his team to postseason after postseason, he's gotta show to his team and fans that it pisses him off when he loses. I just don't see it.
Second, it's weird how rattled LeBron seemed when it came to dealing with his haters. In his Game 6 postgame press conference, he mentioned how they will all have the same problems in their lives while he keeps on living his. Obviously this is true. Obviously. But you don't hear superstars from any sport ripping on fans when they lose. Most guys just take the "hey, let fans be fans" attitude. Not Bron. It gets under his skin way more than the average pro athlete, let alone international icon. When DeShawn Stevenson called him out, LeBron said that responding to him would be like Jay-Z responding to a Soulja Boy diss song (it would). DeShawn Stevenson then pulled a classic DeShawn Stevenson move by calling up Soulja Boy to have him write a song about it. Was this lame on Stevenson's part? Of course. Even lamer? LeBron calling up Jay-Z to back him up. LeBron, we get it, you hang out with famous people. Practice what you preach and don't respond to what Stevenson does. The fact that the consensus best athlete on the planet got intimidated by the likes of DeShawn Stevenson and fucking Soulja Boy speaks a lot about Bron's confidence.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Sunday, June 5, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
I have a lot of time on my hands during the summer. With this extended free time comes a heightened potential for shit to get weird. It’s always great to party with the crew that you popped your booze cherry with back in the day. Now that we’re all a little older, most of us are a little crazier, and hardly any of us are any wiser, summer nights with the bros are spent testing (breaking) boundaries. I mean let’s face it: we’ve been boozing in this town for 6 or 7 years, and we’re all a little sick of going to the same house party then cabbing it home. We’re moving on to bigger and better things: we’re moving on to townie mischief.
We’ve always considered ourselves townies, but we’re all dedicating ourselves this summer to townie mischief. We’re off to a great start; it beats the hell out of the ordinary nightlife at home. This past weekend, for instance, the local university threw down a free concert for its students. This turned into a townie fest: a lot of high-school pride and tons of animosity towards the students. I’m sure the students felt out of place, because damn it I felt at home. That’s what being a townie is all about. I love the feeling. If you have a spot near your house that is considered “touristy” or welcomes a lot of people from the outside, claim it as your own. Demand respect. Go there whenever you’re bored and start trouble. You have to assemble a crew of bros who are willing to go to extreme lengths for a good time. It’s not fun if you half-ass this townie business, so go all out. Be prepared to look like an asshole to everyone there, and be prepared to communicate with fellow townies using only high-fives. It's childish, regressive, and absurd, but it's unbeatable when well-executed. Being a townie isn’t a glorious job, but summer is boring as it is and it would be unfulfilling without something like this to put on your resume.
Changing a Facebook profile picture is a tricky science, yet it’s so crucial. To all your acquaintances, you are only as good as your profile pic. Zuckerberg didn’t include the protocol on changing defaults in the user’s manual, so there are some people who change it every week, and there are others who hold on to one for months. If you’ve got a good current, pulling the trigger is tough. There’s sentimental value attached to each pic, and there’s always fear of coming up empty with the replacement. At the same time, you really want the world to see your versatility. You try to keep up with the seasons. Girls struggle with this problem a lot more than guys do. When a girl puts another girl in her Facebook profile, she either a). genuinely likes that girl b). thinks she looks better than that girl or c). thinks that girl is popular and wants everyone to know that they hang out. If you click on some girls’ default, their profile picture album is like 150 pictures long. That’s a little excessive. No need to change it that frequently. Also, something else that confuses me: are captions acceptable on profile pictures?
Kyle Singler says grace before he eats Roggie's nachos at 2 a.m.
Kyle Singler is always shitting when you need to use the bathroom.
Kyle Singler followed the Boston Marathon leaderboard all day on his computer.
Kyle Singler is pushing for Walsh security desks to be installed on every floor.
I thought it was an unwritten rule that light switches had to be placed next to the door, right? I guess not. Recently I've found myself struggling to find light switches and I don't think it's my fault. I don't know if technicians pre game their job or go to flight school beforehand but more than once this past week I've been defeated by the darkness. When I walk into an unknown room and it's pitch black, my first instinct is to check the wall on the left and if the switch isn't there, then to check behind the door. Once I go 0 for 2 I start to panic. I'll run my hand up and down the wall (I wish it was a furry wall) to see if the technician was a midget or Hagrid. I'll usually check once more behind the door before I give up and return to the room I came from. If this chafe made love to another chafe, it would produce a baby chafe of "not knowing which light switch belongs with which light."