Thursday, June 30, 2011

Chris Hansen Gets a Taste of His Own Medicine

Hansen found himself on the receiving end of his own hidden camera tactics after the married NBC anchor was secretly filmed on an illicit date with a blonde television reporter 20 years his junior. He was the subject of a four-month long sting operation conducted by 'The National Enquirer' after he allegedly began an affair with former NBC intern Kristyn Caddell, a 30-year-old Florida journalist.

Hansen, you smug asshole, why? You love making messed up people feel like complete shit, and no one's better at it. But now you're the fool. This isn't how it's supposed to work. If Hansen's wrong, I don't wanna be right. I know she's legal but it's still ironic that Chris Hansen is robbing cradles. 20 years is a big age difference. And in a sting operation? Perfect. If only
Joey Greco and his Cheaters crew got this on film, that'd be the ultimate slap in the face. Greco...

Monday, June 27, 2011

Cleaning Ladies

My cleaning lady is a good person. She definitely wouldn’t say the same thing about me, but she’s a good person. We’ve been in a silent war for about 8 years now, and I don’t see this one ending any time soon. It's a grind. Every Wednesday before I head downstairs, I go to find my deodorant and it’s not in the usual spot on top of my dresser. After a brief moment of confusion I realize my Aqua Reef is in the bathroom because my cleaning lady came in my room the previous day and put it there. Despite how much I’ve asked my parents, they won’t fire her for imposing this tiniest of baby-chafes on me every week. I strike back. Every time I lose something that my mom warned me not to lose, it’s just my instinct to throw my cleaning lady under the bus, accusing her of stealing anything from gift certificates to my 2nd grade art-works. Also, whenever I’m home on Tuesday mornings, I can’t help but get the feeling that the cleaning lady is following me around the house. I’ll start watching TV in the family room, then 5 minutes later she barges in with the loudest vacuum in the region, so I move. 10 minutes after that she’s in the basement disrupting me again. Jesus, lady. It’s like she’s out to get me.

I have long known that she comes on Tuesdays, and have recently started abusing that knowledge. If there’s interest to party around town I immediately offer my house if Tuesday is near. On Monday nights me and whatever selection of weird people I find can go into my basement and act like a bunch of retarded gorillas without a worry in the world. I don’t care because I know that by the time I wake up tomorrow, my basement lair will be cleaner than it was before the madness. It’s like clockwork. That should teach her to not touch my Old Spice. I clean up enough at school, and I like to consider this the off-season. Whenever my parents ask me to clean my room or the basement on the weekend, I give it about 30% because I know that she’s just gonna come in Tuesday and kill it for me. It makes me a terrible person, I know, but I just want my Aqua Reef on my dresser every Tuesday Morning. Ellie, if you read BrostonCollege, stop moving my deodorant so we can end this war once and for all and have a proper cleaning-lady (preferably maid) relationship like the people do online…

Saturday, June 18, 2011

R.I.P. Clarence Clemons

The Boss's right hand man passed away today. Hope he fits through the pearly gates.

FIFA Steps Up Their Cameo Game

'12 is gonna be amazing.

A Bro You Should Know - Andres Gonzales

Andres Gonzales is an up-and-coming golfer and soon to be America's favorite in any tournament he plays in. Although that is mainly just because of his looks - hair like Thor and a fu manchu that would make Jared Allen blush, he's also funny as shit. On the other hand, if you look like this guy I'm pretty sure you have to be a funny person. He tweets at Tiger Woods constantly (who he's never met) and begs him to hang out with him. Some of his tweets:

"@TigerWoods my name is andresgonzales and I am a rookie on tour. I like elephants."

"@TigerWoods as you probably know, my birthday was this week. I believe you owe me a night around a camp fire with songs and smores. Ttfn [ta ta for now],"

"Been awake since 3 a.m., @TigerWoods you awake yet? Let's chat."

I have a little thing called a PGAtour card. Its free 99 whether I peg it or not. Im on a free roll. Ps...and im hella tight

"Anybody have a pill that will give me six pack ABS while sitting my hotel room doing nothing @TigerWoods how you look like that?"

Hey , I heard jack used to dunk basketballs. I don't buy it. Youre thoughts?

"@TigerWoods qualified for the open today. Hate to say I don't need a roommate because my family is coming. But I would be up for a p. round."

you are welcome good sir. just trying to get you ready. there will be lots of people here this week. just know they are mine.

Andres Gonzales missed the cut this weekend but I think I know who my favorite new golfer is. And yes that is a 69 on his belt in the picture above.

Friday, June 17, 2011

Well I'll Be Damn'd

J.K. is up to something and I've got a semi chub just thinking of what it could be.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Happy Thursday!

"Thursday like poetry in motion. Just walking into Cityside, you got a bouncer in your way, you've got a Natty in your left, you've got a Natty in your right and he's stunned at how dumb you are and you just chug both of them in his face. And then you look at him. And then you say "What?"

Monday, June 13, 2011

A Word of Advice - Don't Poke a Sleeping Bear

Somebody should have passed that on to D-Wade and that other guy on his squad. Hot-doggin' like this in front of the Dallas bench prompted a quick 22-5 run and gave Dallas Game 2. Then Wade and Bron went on to poke fun at Dirk's sickness by fake-coughing in front of cameras (not sure how a 101 fever could be called faking sick on Dirk's part but then again few things make sense when it comes to the Heat).

I could write a million things about this series, but don't have the attention span nor work ethic to do so. I will say that two things bothered me about LeBron's Game 6 postgame press conference. One, if you're gonna act like/aspire to be one of the best of all time, you've gotta come off as being a little more angry/disappointed when you lose. LeBron's nonchalant attitude might have passed earlier in his career, but now as he approaches his veteran years and leads his team to postseason after postseason, he's gotta show to his team and fans that it pisses him off when he loses. I just don't see it.

Second, it's weird how rattled LeBron seemed when it came to dealing with his haters. In his Game 6 postgame press conference, he mentioned how they will all have the same problems in their lives while he keeps on living his. Obviously this is true. Obviously. But you don't hear superstars from any sport ripping on fans when they lose. Most guys just take the "hey, let fans be fans" attitude. Not Bron. It gets under his skin way more than the average pro athlete, let alone international icon. When DeShawn Stevenson called him out, LeBron said that responding to him would be like Jay-Z responding to a Soulja Boy diss song (it would). DeShawn Stevenson then pulled a classic DeShawn Stevenson move by calling up Soulja Boy to have him write a song about it. Was this lame on Stevenson's part? Of course. Even lamer? LeBron calling up Jay-Z to back him up. LeBron, we get it, you hang out with famous people. Practice what you preach and don't respond to what Stevenson does. The fact that the consensus best athlete on the planet got intimidated by the likes of DeShawn Stevenson and fucking Soulja Boy speaks a lot about Bron's confidence.

Go B's.

Two Ballers

Who's better at what they do? Tough, tough question.

Dirk Poppin' Bottles

Stay tuned for Brian "The Custodian" Cardinal pics.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Oscar Worthy Performance

This is the best child actor I've seen since the kid in the departed who plays Matt Damon for the first ten minutes of the movie...

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Where Are They Now? - Video Game Glitches

I feel like video games are just too good for glitches now. Haven't seen a good one in long time. Cool to know about but shunned in competition. There was a time when you were only as valuable as the glitches you knew.

Should Be Interesting

Oh Hello iMessage

Jobs - With iMessage, we've created a new messaging service for all iOS 5 users. You can send unlimited text messages via Wi-Fi or 3G from your iPad, iPhone, or iPod touch to anyone with one of those devices. iMessage is built into the Messages app, so you can send, text, photos, videos, locations, and contacts. Keep everyone in the loop with group messaging. Track your messages with delivery receipts and optional read receipts, see when someone's typing, and enjoy secure encryption for text messages. Even start a conversation on one of your iOS devices and pick up where you left off on another.

Just gorgeous. Taking the one flaw of BBM and eliminating it in one fell swoop. My only concern is that it's going to be insulting to exclude someone from your read receipts. If that becomes the culture then the feature is moot. On the other hand, is it going to be creepy to ask for read receipts? How are two iOS 5 users going to decide on what's suitable for them? Either way, it was a nice duel blackberry. You showed heart.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

Chafe - Guys Who Play Guitar

Guys with guitars and good voices annoy me. Not because I dislike music, but because I like getting with girls. In my eyes, dudes who can play the guitar and sing well at parties are using performance enhancers (not unlike the foreign accent). You shouldn't be able to use anything to hook up with a girl that you can't carry on a plane. Here I am slaving away, putting in hours each and every day to make sure my wit, wardrobe, and facial hair are making me as hook-up-withable as possible (did you see how delicately I put that?) Meanwhile, it seems like all the John Mayers of the college scene have to do is throw on a shallow V and a pair of vans and play "a song they wrote about their little sister" to bag the girl I've been throwing game at all night and texting for a week. All of a sudden it doesn't matter that this hipster is wearing 2 rings and 3 bracelets because he plays an instrument and sings like an angel. I guess the moral of the story is that if a skill is not on my tool belt, it should be socially outlawed.

P.S. If by some act of truly divine intervention I do learn one song on the guitar, you're all in big, big trouble.

Friday, June 3, 2011

A Word of Advice - Be a Townie

I have a lot of time on my hands during the summer. With this extended free time comes a heightened potential for shit to get weird. It’s always great to party with the crew that you popped your booze cherry with back in the day. Now that we’re all a little older, most of us are a little crazier, and hardly any of us are any wiser, summer nights with the bros are spent testing (breaking) boundaries. I mean let’s face it: we’ve been boozing in this town for 6 or 7 years, and we’re all a little sick of going to the same house party then cabbing it home. We’re moving on to bigger and better things: we’re moving on to townie mischief.

We’ve always considered ourselves townies, but we’re all dedicating ourselves this summer to townie mischief. We’re off to a great start; it beats the hell out of the ordinary nightlife at home. This past weekend, for instance, the local university threw down a free concert for its students. This turned into a townie fest: a lot of high-school pride and tons of animosity towards the students. I’m sure the students felt out of place, because damn it I felt at home. That’s what being a townie is all about. I love the feeling. If you have a spot near your house that is considered “touristy” or welcomes a lot of people from the outside, claim it as your own. Demand respect. Go there whenever you’re bored and start trouble. You have to assemble a crew of bros who are willing to go to extreme lengths for a good time. It’s not fun if you half-ass this townie business, so go all out. Be prepared to look like an asshole to everyone there, and be prepared to communicate with fellow townies using only high-fives. It's childish, regressive, and absurd, but it's unbeatable when well-executed. Being a townie isn’t a glorious job, but summer is boring as it is and it would be unfulfilling without something like this to put on your resume.

The Art Of Changing A Facebook Profile Picture

Changing a Facebook profile picture is a tricky science, yet it’s so crucial. To all your acquaintances, you are only as good as your profile pic. Zuckerberg didn’t include the protocol on changing defaults in the user’s manual, so there are some people who change it every week, and there are others who hold on to one for months. If you’ve got a good current, pulling the trigger is tough. There’s sentimental value attached to each pic, and there’s always fear of coming up empty with the replacement. At the same time, you really want the world to see your versatility. You try to keep up with the seasons. Girls struggle with this problem a lot more than guys do. When a girl puts another girl in her Facebook profile, she either a). genuinely likes that girl b). thinks she looks better than that girl or c). thinks that girl is popular and wants everyone to know that they hang out. If you click on some girls’ default, their profile picture album is like 150 pictures long. That’s a little excessive. No need to change it that frequently. Also, something else that confuses me: are captions acceptable on profile pictures?

Top 500 Feelings - #200 A Stocked Pantry

Ah yes, there isn't much better in life then going over to a friends house and walking into a pantry (it must be a walk-in pantry to even be considered a good pantry) and seeing every single snack you've had your whole life growing up. A good pantry has fruit roll ups, twinkies, chips, an assortment of cereal, enough mac n cheese to survive 2012 and girl scout cookies off the ying yang. But the difference between good and great is quite a leap. A great pantry is a pantry that has the hard to find stuff. I'm talking about dunkaroos, rice krispy treat cereal, big league chew, and a lifetime supply of gushers.

It takes a certain individual to have a legendary pantry. He needs a really nice mom with money to blow. He needs to have a sharing mentality and not have anything off limits. He needs to pride himself on his pantry and constantly remind his mom to restock when inventory is low. He needs to not be a girl. When you have a nice pantry as a kid, it probably means everyone is coming over to your house after school every day. You must embrace this. I know I sure did. I have the 18th Best Pantry on this side of the Mississippi (I can't spell that word without saying it out in my head).

What Kyle Singler Doesn't Want You To Know...

Kyle Singler takes your clothes out of the dryer even when he doesn't need to do his laundry.
Kyle Singler says grace before he eats Roggie's nachos at 2 a.m.
Kyle Singler knows more than ten digits of pi.
Kyle Singler can't draw a "stussy".
Kyle Singler is always shitting when you need to use the bathroom.
Kyle Singler followed the Boston Marathon leaderboard all day on his computer.
Kyle Singler is pushing for Walsh security desks to be installed on every floor.
Kyle Singler never drinks more than one glass of Ovaltine.
Kyle Singler sat quietly in his room on the night of the Osama announcement.
Kyle Singler is rooting for the Heat.
Kyle Singler drinks decaf hot chocolate.
Kyle Singler sings drinking songs on the Comm Ave bus at 7:30 p.m.
Kyle Singler prefers the iPad 1 to the iPad 2.
Kyle Singler enjoys canker sores.
Kyle Singler hopes Tiger never wins another major.
Kyle Singler is the reason Eagle's Deli doesn't take Eagle Bucks.
Kyle Singler drives 55 in the fast lane on the highway.
Kyle Singler responded with "What's the Carter IV?" when asked about "The Carter IV".
Kyle Singler likes the stretch of summer when ESPN shows nothing but baseball highlights.
Kyle Singler seized all online poker sites.
Kyle Singler doesn't sell back his books at the end of the school year.
Kyle Singler invented the "Eagles on the warpath" chant you're forced to do at orientation.
Kyle Singler never played Mario Kart in his life.
Kyle Singler was a soprano in the middle school choir.
Kyle Singler still eats his boogers.
Kyle Singler won't see Toy Story because he doesn't think it's realistic that toys come alive.
Kyle Singler turned down an opportunity to be on Nickelodean Guts.
Kyle Singler double dog dared Sean Kingston to jump over a bridge on his jetski.

Chafe - Not Being Able To Find A Light Switch

I thought it was an unwritten rule that light switches had to be placed next to the door, right? I guess not. Recently I've found myself struggling to find light switches and I don't think it's my fault. I don't know if technicians pre game their job or go to flight school beforehand but more than once this past week I've been defeated by the darkness. When I walk into an unknown room and it's pitch black, my first instinct is to check the wall on the left and if the switch isn't there, then to check behind the door. Once I go 0 for 2 I start to panic. I'll run my hand up and down the wall (I wish it was a furry wall) to see if the technician was a midget or Hagrid. I'll usually check once more behind the door before I give up and return to the room I came from. If this chafe made love to another chafe, it would produce a baby chafe of "not knowing which light switch belongs with which light."