Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Top 500 Feelings - #194 A Good Dump


Ah, so simple, yet so good. When you feel a bullet in the chamber, it becomes the only thing on your mind. All of a sudden you've got yourself a to-do list with just one task on it: drown the Cosby's. If there isn't a toilet nearby, this situation can present itself in the form of a baby chafe. At the same time, a little bit of you sees the light at the end of the tunnel and knows it's gonna feel magical when it escapes you.

You know it's a good shit when you express your relief vocally during or after it. Some let out a casual woopdie-woop while wiping, whereas others do spot-on Gus Johnson impressions. Still others provide their roommates with detailed visual descriptions that make Walter Cronkite sound like Radio (Where Are They Now: Cuba Gooding, Jr.).

A truly perfect shit is one where you can lose 4-5 pounds while not having to wipe too much. Dingleberries are one of God/Zuckerberg's worst inventions and the world would just be a better place in general without them. Double-flushers, or the rare triple, are the cherry on top of your feces (what?). When your roomie who's waiting to shit hears you flush the first time, it's a real assertion of manhood to respond "no" when he asks if you're done dropping the kids off at the pool.

Relish in your shits, friends, there's only 193 better feelings on Earth.

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