Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Golden Voice Guy Going to Rehab

That was fast. Ted Williams, the homeless guy with the golden radio voice, was discovered last week, became insta-famous, got a couple sweet gigs, had the police called on him after an argument with his daughter, and is now going to rehab. It takes most celebrities at least a couple years to hit for the cycle like that! Apparently Dr. Phil is behind the rehab stint. Of course he is.

The duo had an intense one-on-one conversation this week as part of an appearance on Dr. Phil’s show, in which Williams, an alcoholic and drug addict, admitted that he was still drinking. So Dr. Phil convinced him to go to rehab.

Rehab for what? Being a god? Trust Dr. Phil to fucking ruin the feel-good story of 2011. Just when Teddy had some momentum going, Dr. Phuck had to barge in and act all concerned for his health. Phil makes a dollar off pretending to be concerned and sending homeboy to rehab while the public is stuck listening to subpar vocal chords on the radio for another 90+ days. I threw the "+" sign in there because if history has taught us one thing, it's that Ted Williams does not achieve his goals, especially if they're ones that society has cut out for him. I know if I was working in that rehab clinic I'd be sneaking in 8-balls daily for Ted in exchange for him mimicking radio ads for me, recording a new answering machine message on my voicemail, etc.

If Ted does in fact make it through rehab, he has got to have his own XM channel. It would involve simply him talking, not about anything in particular, just anything in English. That man's voice can cure AIDS and global warming at the same time, and Phil wants to lock him up in the sobriety dungeon. Don't you understand Phil? This man runs on drugs. If you take away the buzz, you take away the magic. You think I'm trying to hear a sober person talk like this? The fact that he has this voice is only interesting because of his unmatched love for drugs. All newscasters have a great voices but you don't see me excited to hear them talk. The people want strictly drugged-out vocal perfection. Is that too much to ask?

P.S. If you missed it here was Teddy's commercial debut (orgasmic):

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