Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Forget about Fulbright winners, overall GPA's, academic standards. No, friends, this is the true tell of our institution's ability. Cue the old Jesuit making a subtle stab at "that school in Indiana." Damn. They're even beating us in this. Let's all sporc a bit harder over the break and take the 1-seed in their next set of rankings (out January 11). And if you've never heard of Sporcle before this, then you're welcome.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Kindle was one of the guys I was most excited to see coming out of the draft this year and then...well, weird shit happened. By weird shit I mean the man has narcolepsy. Yes, that narcolepsy, where you fall asleep at random times, even standing up. Kindle missed the entire season as a result of falling downstairs and fracturing his dome...you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah, the dude fell asleep at the top of the stairs, had a dream about winning Super Bowls and smackin' booty on the way down, and only woke up cause he cracked his head on the last step.
So no other news source is actually blaming the fall on Kindle's narcolepsy, they're only mentioning the two incidences in the same article. Well since Broston has no real credibility and answers to no one, I'm gonna go ahead and say that it was definitely a narco-attack that almost killed Kindle. Athletes like this don't fall down stairs, they just don't. They run 4.4's and throw jukes that could shake the tectonic plates. Unless Kindle was blazed playing DoodleJump on his iPhone as he was walking down the stairs (very possible), I don't see how he could have ate it that bad. I never thought I'd see the day when one of the NFL players I looked up to was a narco-leper. I'm gonna go take a nap, and consciously decide to do so.
Facebook is good for birthdays. It is. Without the support of the side-toolbar (friendship wingman), I promise you there's no way I'd know it was your birthday unless you're one of my closer friends from home or my direct roommate. That being said, depending on how well I know you, I try and leave something original on your Facebook (I'll drink your Kool Aid, Zuckerberg but I will never say "wall" in public). This leads me to the 5 types of Facebook Birthday posts:
1. The Acknowledgement of Friendship and Not Much Else Post - "Happy bday, have a good one." Probably to the direct roommate of that girl you used to nail towards the end of freshman year. Thanks for sleeping in your friend's dorm while I plowed the fields honey.
2. The Old "Oops, Wrong Holiday" Post - "Merry Christmas." Funny in sophomore year of high school...not so much now. We all probably average about 3 of these per birthday, generally expected out of guys who wear their Superfan shirts 7 days a week and think Futurama is the funniest show on TV.
3. The "Let's Make a Joke of Pretending It's Your First Time Drinking" Post - "Enjoy your very first sip of beer ever tonight!" Obviously reserved for 21st birthdays, the trend of these has become impossible not to notice. Generally from people you rarely/never drink with (look for moms/dads with Facebooks to leave these thinking they've just made a rather witty remark). Yawn.
4. The "I Would Cut Off Both My Arms To Be With You Tonight" Post - Seen most commonly in girl-to-girl posting. For whatever reason, Girl A can't come to Girl B's 'night on the town' (read: her night of accepting drinks from 35 year olds, dancing on tables to Kesha, and blowing chunks before getting in a cab home). Since Girl A can't take part in the festivities she leaves a post expressing her Winehouse-like depression about not being able to come but voices her serious wish that the girl has a great time. And I mean serious wish, to the point where it wouldn't surprise me if Girl A will be on her knees by her bed that night saying a decade of the rosary for Girl B's birthday.
5. The "You're One of My Better Friends So I Better Leave You a Long One" Post - The better you know somebody, the better your post has got to be. It's in the way Zuckerberg built us. If you leave your best friend of ten years a post that simply says "have a good one", you've pretty much booked yourself a one-way ticket to hell. And we're not just talking about Facebook hell (tagged in a picture from Orientation where you're mid-blink and next to some heinous creature with a snaggletooth who you haven't seen since). If you're a guy you've got to be funny. Got to be. If you're a girl, only your first few words and last words matter. You ladies can literally write the Wayne lyrics to Hawaii 5.0 in Pig Latin and the recipient girl wouldn't notice. Just include "happy birthday" and "can't wait to get wasted" and you're set.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Good god. That's a 7'1'' defender by the way. The league should literally fine him if he doesn't participate in the dunk contest.
Saturday, December 25, 2010
I know, we haven't posted in a while, blah blah blah. We're on our fucking vacation get off our case. But just to show our dedication to the readers, here we are posting on Christmas Day. Anyway, I might be totally wrong on this, but do these 2 pairs not look a lot like each other?
David Letterman vs. Uncle Billy from It's a Wonderful Life
Michelle Ryan vs. 5-hour Energy Commercial Woman
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Dude was outside and topless by the time DeSean Jackson was on the 20 yard line. Love the awkward hopping-handshake at 3:14. Hot damn are the NFL playoffs gonna be fucking amazing this year.
"No flags?! None?!"
Monday, December 20, 2010
Does this make them more accurate? I don't understand why on Comm Ave the cops have to get out of their car and aim the radar gun right at you. I don't know about you guys but it makes me nervous (almost as nervous as I get when I play knockout). The worst part is when you get nabbed. The cop pulls you over on foot and basically mocks you and your family. He Po, get your ass back in the car and if you want to pull me over, well, we can have a high speed chase into Boston. Hopefull someone will film it so we can send it into TruTV.
Hand-me-downs have been around since the start of Brett Favre's career (circa 500 B.C.) An older sibling gets too big for an article of clothing and instead of donating it to Goodwill (not to get confused with Goodburger) they give it to the Younger Siblings of America Charity. The younger sibling then rocks the gear as sloppy seconds and continues to dream what it would be like to have something new and in mint condition. As you get older you begin to realize that hand-me-downs don't only have to come from older siblings but can come from friends as well. When you start distributing gear via friends your wardrobe expands exponentially. But why does it always have to follow the downward cycle? What happens to the clothes that are too big for people? Maybe your parents bought you something in the wrong size or you got something for free and it doesn't fit. Instead of holding on to the thought that you'll grow into it, hand it up. At least loan it out to a buddy until it shrinks enough and/or you grow into it. Don't be selfish and keep it in your closet, picturing how fresh you'd look in it, but aware of the fact that you'd never rep it. Hand-me-ups should come into circulation much more often than they currently do.
Sunday, December 19, 2010
Dweeb is a word reserved for special occasions and this is one of them. How is Josh Scobee gonna go home and bang his wife after this? She's gonna think he's the biggest pansy in America. As a kicker, everybody already knows you're the softest guy on the team, but kicking a ball 6 yards is taking the stereotype to another level. This is the easiest/only TD Tyjuan Hagler will ever score.
P.S. Chafe - Being Austin Collie. First game back after a concussion and he gets another in the 2nd quarter, but not before snagging 2 TD's. Look at his face after the Colts seal it. They just clinched a huge game and he looks like he just found out his girlfriend's prego...with triplets. Contrarily, why does Jack Del Rio not look even the slightest bit chafed after this play? He almost looks happy about it.
P.P.S. Chafe - Matt Dodge's playing career.
For all you out there that don't follow LeBron on twitter, he posted this photo recently. Some dude got lucky snapping pics and ended up with this gem. The only question is, if it were you, would you rather be Lebron or Dwade in this picture? Personally I'd go with Wade.
You can tell a lot about a person just by looking at their choice of shoe. The classic Nike sneaks say, "I'm an athlete, I'll outrun you." A pair of boat shoes shouts, "I have more money than you, and I know it." The ugg moccasins state, "I'm lazy and didn't want to leave my room, but I did so might as well be as comfortable as I can." The socks with sandals screams, "I'm a shoebie, fuck off." A fresh pair of vans utters, "I got West Coast style to go with my East Coast flow." Every pair of shoe carries a different meaning and what better place to put shoes on display than in a bathroom stall. It's a perfect showcase. All you can see are the shoes (with a hint of pulled down pants). You have no idea who's behind door number 1 but you can get a fairly good idea just by looking at what they're repping. Maybe you're sitting next to some squid that's rocking Tevas (I actually support Tevas, they are a very practical shoe come summer time). Maybe you're next to some stud quarterback whose rocking the old school Mike Vicks. Or maybe you're next to one of the Winklevosses who are wearing some thousand dollar pair of gold shoes. Regardless of the matter, you can only imagine what the person next to you looks like. And unless you get out of the stall at the same time, you'll never know if you were right.
For all you that thought it couldn't be done, well, here's your proof. The classic piggy-back spitting allowed Fratsby to defy the laws of gravity and make it up to a chandelier to dispose of his spit and retain the head buzz. There is a reason why they call him the Great One. Touche, Fratsby, touche.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
8 questions are the only thing that stand between me and winter break. Considering the grind of this past week, this is some real pussy shit at this point. But a great way to end finals nonetheless. Cheers to those of you who are done, and godspeed to my fellow chafed brethren still in the trenches.
P.S. - One day left to vote for BC's best bars. MA's is leading the way right now.
Friday, December 17, 2010
I don't know how I always get myself into this situation but I feel as though everyone stares at me when I'm walking through the Women's section. Back off ladies. I'm not here to buy perfume or ugg boots, I just want to get to the Men's section so I can purchase some briefs/boxers/tighty-whiteys .
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
What do you think I'm trying to spell you little bastard? Honestly, it's finals week and I don't have time for you to toy with me like this. Take out the second "i" like you're supposed to. "Revolutioinary"? Come on, that should be child's play for you.
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
So this is a pretty fresh ESPN interview with Magic, talking about the best shot he ever saw made. Apparently the '92 Dream Team had incredibly, insanely competitive in-squad scrimmages, East vs. West (Do some math and see for yourself what those two squads would look like). Anyways, Magic describes what sounds like the coolest Air Jordan dunk of all time, but alas, no footage...
MSNBC.com - J.J. Redick scored a career-high 29 points on 9-of-12 shooting (6-of-9 from downtown) with five rebounds, two assists, and one steal in 38 minutes off the bench on Tuesday.
Listen, I know I'm in the minority by loving the shit out of JJ. By loving his swag, by loving his infinite range, and by loving my white, Duke 4 jersey (I hate Duke like all the rest) I was there when they beat Butler) Pure pain))). Fact is, he gives hope to little, white shooters like me all over this fair nation. Does he wear in-game hair product? Probably. Does he have an STD? Possibly. Frankly, I couldn't care less so long as he continues to own all real estate north of the three point stripe.
If I made a believer out of one of you today, well then, I did my job.
Some very fresh high school footage for your face:
We told you we'd keep you posted on their threads as soon as we heard. Here's the Ducks' get-up for the showdown with Auburn. As predicted 10 days ago, they'll be in white. Not sure about the lime green socks but I do know these things are fresh as hell.
Click to zoom.
According to The Great Fratsby:
5. Buster Olney:
He's got no personality or flair, but good lord is he amazing at what he does. I mean, look at that fucking picture. The dude straight up means business and doesn't understand why the other daisies on TV are making jokes about sports when there's news to be reported. I 100% believe anything coming out of Buster's gob, anything. I don't know why he hasn't been publicly quoted on the whole 2012 apocalypse debacle, because if anybody knows, it's him. He's got a passion for baseball matched only by Peter Gammons, the only difference is Olney can take shits on his own. Olney is the MLB department at ESPN now that Gammons is playing bridge with other fogies in a home, Steve Phillips is in a bush outside your little sister's bedroom, and Harold Reynolds is railing lines and playing "no means yes" with unlucky ladies somewhere far from Bristol.
4. Al Michaels
Again, not much flair. There's something about his voice that makes me happy though, probably because when I hear it, I automatically associate it with Monday Night Football (sorry Dennis Miller). Michaels is really underrated. Just because he's not dropping the funniest lines, doesn't mean I'm not entertained when I hear those fit-for-a-cathedral pipes of his.
3. Neil Everett
His effortless humor is unparalleled. This man isn't an anchor; he's a character. He is the perfect blend of comically awkward and confidently witty. I can only imagine the conversations we'd have if me and Neil went on a long road trip together...sorry. For my money, no duo holds down SportsCenter like Neil and SVP. Nobody.
Love him or hate him. That's it, and that's all. If you're undecided on Dick Vitale, you should probably quit watching all sports. Of course his lines are repetitive, he's old as fuck, what are you gonna do? You can't teach an old Dick new tricks. Nothing says college basketball like Dickie V and one of my fondest memories growing up was listening to him bark about diaper dandies from Cameron Indoor. I think if I was a college basketball player, the person I'd feel most honored to meet wouldn't be Coach K, Izzo, Cal, or Boeheim. It would be Dickie V, and I say that in all seriousness.
1. Chris Berman
The King. Note the capital K. I wish I hadn't read somewhere that everybody in the ESPN offices hates him, because the more I thought about it, the more I could understand it. But it didn't phase me - I'm not ever going to be chums with Boom. I'm here to listen to his lectures on football and life. He's one of the most confident people any of us will ever witness. He's one of the few men on Earth that can rock absurd ties in non-theme party scenarios and have his sexuality remain unquestioned. Would I hate to have him as a dad? Yes. Would I love him as an uncle? Hell fucking yes. Imagine Thanksgiving dinner at the Berman house. He's probably got the best damn turkey in the land sizzling in the oven while he bitches out his kids for running lazy post routes in the family touch football game. I hope Boomer keeps going til he's Gammons' age, because ESPN and football in general may never see a better suited personality for the TV screen.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Some guy named Linus Omark played in his first NHL game last Friday. This is the move he pulled to win it in a shootout. Ballsy for your first game. You may remember his other shootout goal for Sweden below (slightly dirtier in my opinion).
He's still no Oliver Wahlstrom (9 year old thug):
One thing is for sure, the Aztecs did not construct the mods. If they did, I'd know where the hell I was going more often. The mods are a maze, plain and simple. BC (probably the Office of Residential Life (my nemesis)) is the mad scientist and we are the mice trying to find the piece of cheese. There is literally no rhyme or reason to the numerical order. What they don't know, is that we can somehow find our way flawlessly after consuming alcoholic beverages. When Thursday night rolls around, the mods move in slow motion and begin to make sense. When I'm dead sober, I could really use the help of a Tom-Tom (or mapquest for you old school peeps). When I ask you what mod you're in and you say 24B, that's the equivalent of telling me you're in the greater Boston area. The numbers are in no particular order, the A's and B's seem out of whack and the slight color variation is nothing more than a mind fuck. I mean dag flabbit BC, throw us a bone here. If it were up to me, I'd have Bill Romanowski come back with a sledge hammer/Ak-47 and tear down the mods. I'd then have the man who built Walsh (aka the Mecca) reconstruct the mods, making sure I don't need Christopher Columbus to get around. While I'm at it I'd throw in some pools and a whole bunch of vending machines strategically placed throughout the mods (vote for me for class president next year).
I confess (should I be embarrassed about this?) that I'll be 21 in April and don't know how to tie a tie. Is it something I'm concerned about? No. That's what I have roommates and/or zipper ties for. Look at this bad boy. Thanks to the hard-nosed zone D that my collar plays, nobody ever knows that I'm wearing something created for 11 year olds. Long live the zipper tie.
Science is not one of Broston's stronger fields of knowledge. We usually let our boys over at NASA (shoutout to all my NASA dudes, you guys outsmart chafe) handle it. But regardless of how much you know about DNA and chromosomes, you can always snipe siblings that look alike. It's a warm feeling you get when you're right. No need for introductions. I know who you are just because of the shape of your left cheek bone and nose. Sometimes it's almost disturbing how much siblings look alike. You want to look away but just can't because it's like you're staring into a time portal.
It's much more difficult to tell siblings that are the opposite sex, but more satisfying when it's all said and done. Now I'm not talking about calling out twins that look alike, Kyle Singler could do that, I'm talking about calling out a freshman who is a second cousin of the girl that sits in front of you in (not so) Basic Finance. That is when you know you got talent. Is there a league for your talent? I doubt it, but respect is the name of the game. When you got eyes that can see right through DNA, you get respect from everyone.
Immediately when you can tell that someone is related, you know if you like the kid or not (+/- 1 standard deviation). "Oh, that's Jimmys brother, the singer." Now you know to let him into the party, along with the two closest kids he's standing to. This can also backfire on some people. "Isn't that Erin Andrews older sister?" "Yeah, she must be a total puck slut." I know it's not fair sometimes, but neither is getting a bomb ass ID when your older sibling turns 21 (future top 500?)
The moral of the post is, people judge. Trying to figure out if someone is related just by looking at them is a fun exercise for your chafing walk to Carney. If you're ever in doubt, refer to facebook (the good book) as the solution manual.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Gadzooks! Something tells me that the 2022 World Cup in Qatar won't be a whole lot different.
P.S. Does anybody else feel like this was shot way too well? Almost as if James Cameron staged it or something.
P.S. Does anybody else feel like this was shot way too well? Almost as if James Cameron staged it or something.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
We get it, you were cute as a kid, but no one (And I mean no one) could care less. The only reason I'm on The Good Book in the first place is to stalk the shit out of you in hopes of finding out if you're indeed a 5 (The number I got from one roomate) or actually an attractive 8 (The number I got from another). How in the hell do you expect me to determine that by looking at a picture of you taken in kindergarten?
And yes, if you didn't notice, finals are making me a little testy.
At any non-fast food restaurant, right after you order a milkshake, an issue comes to mind. I'm speaking of course about whether the restaurant will sack up and give me the leftover milkshake from the blender in a separate metal cup or not. It's a true tell of the quality of restaurant. Why wouldn't they? What do they do with the leftover if they're not giving it to me?
The question this topic really begs is: Why are milkshakes the only menu item on Earth that this happens with? How are smoothies any different? Why don't I get another cup when I order pasta for the overflow? Why not with chicken noodle soup? It's something we may never know unless WikiLeaks releases some insider data for us soon.
But let's not get hung up on the downside of other meals suffering where milkshakes don't. When you see that waiter pop out of the kitchen wielding 2 cups (assuming one isn't a spitter), a little bit of you dies and goes to heaven. Bless his soul if he brings one of the extra long spoons. At that point he's really just hitting on you. And it's working. The only thing you're concerned with now is whether to attack the normal shake or the alternate cup first. I'm usually too giddy and go back and forth.
-Credit to "Xander" for Feeling #137.
The 1st Commandchafe is "Thou Shall Love Thy Grind." Finals are a grind. There are ways to conquer finals and make them more eco-friendly. If you put in good work at the office during the day, treat yourself to a movie at night (unless it's the night before an exam you have to cram for). With that being said, here's a list of 25 movies in no particular order that are all really good choices during this epic grind.
-The Dark Knight
-The Polar Express
-Friday Night lights
-The Bourne Trilogy
-No Country For Old Men
-There Will Be Blood
-Get Him To The Greek
-John Tucker Must Die
-The Hurt Locker
-Up In The Air
No one is perfect (except Wade Boggs). So if you're not perfect then you are bound to make some mistakes growing up in life. Some of these mistakes are accidental, while the others, well, you just got caught. Nothing is worse than the awkward time between when your parents caught you doing something wrong and when they actually confronted you with the punishment. Sometimes it can be a few hours, other times it can be a few days. The whole time all you can think about is the perfect story: to either get you out of trouble completely or to not make it seem all as bad as it is. You run through multiple scenarios, hoping to strike gold, but well aware of the fact that your parents rarely bite on play action. You survey the possible punishments: No car? No allowance? (I need more allowance!) No TV? Grounded? You refuse to accept any of them and continue to think of the perfect excuse. Every interaction between you and your parents is as awkward as a 6th grader talking to his first crush. You wonder when they are going to drop the bomb. You make sure you're perfect in every aspect of the word, because if you mess up again before round 1 is finished, you're toast.
Friday, December 10, 2010
As I put in hours at my entry-level job, crushing spreadsheets, responding to endless emails, and desperately missing my life in the mods, one of my few joys is reading this blog. I get it, you live a charmed life in ONeill where you can watch youtube videos in peace. Please, for the rest of us unable to stream Kenny Powers' dance moves, or listen to the dude from Honey I Shrunk the Kids give motivational speeches, add a little more written/ visual content.
Let me begin with my sincerest apologies (I usually am saying sorry a lot on Friday mornings anyways). Caitlin is right for so many reasons. First of all, for the fact that her life surely and undoubtedly resembles the fiery pits of hell. Like so many other esteemed graduates, she is collegeless, in a cubicle, working 9 - 5, paying rent, crushing spreadsheets, packing a tin a day just to get herself through (OK maybe not, but who the fuck knows). That's going to be us one day soon. Shit that's terrifying... Anyways, she's right, we are the blessed ones, they are the chafed, and never again will Broston be so selfish. This one's for you, Catilin, wherever you are. The mods miss you too.
P.S. Copperfield's was really fun last night, hate to rub it in, but I thought you should know.
P.P.S Do you have to go to your job on Fridays?
Thursday, December 9, 2010
It's just always a real back breaker. They make the small water fountain for Little People, Big World. Whenever there is a long line, I'll succumb to the little guy but for the most part I'll hold my ground and wait for the big boy fountain. Hey, for all you out there under 5'7"... don't be selfish.
No matter how cold it is outside, it always seems to get 5 degrees colder right when you get in the car. The steering wheel is frozen, the seats feel like ice cubes, and you can blow o's (or french inhale) with your breath. You shiver as you yell at the driver to turn the heat on. The driver then has to take one for the team and remove a glove so he is capable of pushing a button. The next five minutes are sometimes the longest five minutes of your life. The car doesn't seem to be getting warmer so tensions rise and a shouting match usually follows.
But that's why God put Mom's on this earth. To take care of us. There are only a mere 249 better feelings than getting into a car that has already been warmed for you. Right when you get in the heat is blasting along with "Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays" by N'Sync. The car now becomes your safe haven, your new checkpoint. You become attached to the heat, maybe even shed a layer or two because, yeah, it's that good. The chafing cold is in the rearview mirror as you comfortably sit in the bucket seat (Great Fratsby called shotgun). There is no yelling, no tensions, everyone is happy. Your Mom's preparation paid off and you can do nothing but smile at her knowing she's got your back when the going gets tough.
I'm sure all of you know girls that do the "Eagle card in the rubber blackberry case" thing, because literally 90% of chicks do it. Needless to chay, I caught Jenkems in the act. And a purple case no less. Really? Like, we get it, you lost the back to your phone, doesn't mean you can go around like this making people "wonder" about those guys over at Broston College. What's next? Pilates at the plex? Mochas at the chocolate bar? Come on Lieutenant, you're better than this.
"...Well, wait a second, guys. Who said you had to be fresh to go out on a Thursday? You go out on Thursdays because you want to. You go out on Thursdays because it's fun. You go out on Thursdays so you can pretend you're Joe Montana throwing a touchdown pass, or Emmitt Smith going for a long run. And even if those Finals are too much work for you guys, even if they beat you 99 times out of 100, that still leaves...