Sunday, October 31, 2010


Baby Chafe - Having To Sign In After A Friend Borrows Your Comp

Yeah so this sucks. Your friend borrows your comp, signs you out of Facebook or fantasy, you have to re-sign in, and at that moment all you want to do is punch whatever friend it was in the face.

Courtesy Georgetown. Hoya Fresha.

This Is Just What A Man Sounds Like

Friday, October 29, 2010

People Really Are Awesome

Worst ESPN Poll Ever

Boring topic with no conclusive results. Yawn.

Change Of Location!

OK Res Life basically told us we were too fresh to sell in the Mods. Chafe. We'll be at 315 Foster St. (huge yellow house) all day. We're sorry this happened, we're sorry you have to get off campus to buy your ticket, but it'll be worth it. Trust me. Love you all and see you at Foster.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Tickets On Sale Friday (Tomorrow) In Mod 24 B From Noon To 5 pm

OK so Facebook is chafing us hard and not letting us send out a message to all our attendees. Never thought I would see the day in which Zuckerberg failed me. Oh well.

Anyways, because demand is already through the roof, tomorrow we will be in Mod 24 B selling tix. Repeat, Mod 24 B, from noon until 5 pm. Come and buy tickets. There are over 1,000 confirmed guests in the Facebook group and there are less than 600 tickets left. If you've taken Finite Math you'll know that you should get there early.

See you tomorrow.

Enjoy your Thursday night.

BC Warns About Four Loko

I can't believe this happened. Do they understand how in demand Four Lokos are going to be around campus now? Not that they already weren't, but these things are officially worth their weight in gold now. So how long till they are outlawed? Are these things going to be what teenagers' parents find hidden under their kids' beds in the future? When we're 40 and tell our kids that we used to drink Lokey's before football games is that the equivalent of our parents now telling us they use to mess around with heroin before heading down to Shea Field? All I'm saying is savor every drop of this tasty gasoline before Barack and friends take it off the streets. If that happens, I'll promise you one thing: The streets of the Brighton/Allston community will experience their very own Boardwalk Empire.

P.S. How half-ass is this e-mail? No rules against it or like any specific symptoms. It's like a quick handout they forgot was due so they scribbled it on their way to FL132: Four Loko in Modern Society.

Look at the Size of That Thing!

Why this concussion thing is becoming such a big deal now, I don't understand. Guys have been getting their cerebellums rocked for decades and now it matters? Anyway, I stumbled upon this photo on the cover of this morning. Yes, DeSean Jackson is a total fucking boss and has been consistently bringing in double digit numbers week-in, week-out for my fantasy team the past 2 seasons. Irrelevant. Look at the fucking chawski the physio on the left is milking right now. No that's not his tongue. That's straight nicotine going right to his skull. Forget Jackson, somebody make sure that man can walk straight and remembers where he is. Fingers crossed he didn't drive home after this bazooka.

Happy Thursday!

"Now look in the mirror and tell me what you see!" "I see Monday." "You see Monday? You wanna know what I see? I see Rubinoff. I see Adderall. I see a bad-ass Thursday who don't take no crap off of nobody." "You really see all that?" "Yah mon. It's not about what I drink, it's about what you drink. Now look in this mirror again and tell me what you see." "I see..." "ADMIRAL NELSON'S!" "Admiral Nelson's." "FOUR LOKO!" "Four Loko." "A BAD-ASS THURSDAY WHO DON'T TAKE NO CRAP OFF OF NOBODY! AGAIN!" "I see Red Bull Vodkas!" "Can't hear you!" "I see Jack and Cokes!" "I see a bad-ass Thursday who don't take no crap off of nobody!" "Once again!" "I see White Russians!" "Junior!" "I see Long Island Iced Teas! I SEE A BAD-ASS THURSDAY WHO WON'T TAKE NO CRAP OFF OF NOBODY!" "That's right! Who's on First!"

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

ND Plans to Rush The Field...After a Loss?

The senior class is on the brink of an achievement that has never been accomplished. Assuming (and this is a big assumption) that the football team beats Tulsa this weekend, the game against Utah will be our chance to break the record of most losses in a four-year period, previously owned by the Class of 1964. When we get steamrolled by Utah on Nov. 13, we will officially be the losingest class in Notre Dame History. That day will also be Senior Day, a day that the senior class is allowed on the field at the end of the game. The senior class should not walk onto the field, but storm the field in celebration of its four seasons as spectators in the student section. The senior class should show its thanks and appreciation for a record-breaking four seasons by storming the field at the closing of the loss to Utah on Nov. 13.
-The Observer, ND Student Newspaper

Although this article was clearly written by some anarchist liberal who is likely a part of the 3% of kids at ND who didn't go there because they watched their football games growing up, I was pretty taken aback by it. Arguably the NCAA's cockiest fans are celebrating a loss record? I know we've lost to them the past 2 years but I'd be lying if I said this didn't provide me with some consolation. The fact that it's happening while I'm still in college only adds to this experience for me. RV trips to South Bend on the 13th anyone?

Dumbest Commercial Ever? Or Just Dumbest Jordan Commercial Ever?

Come on Wade, 13 points and this? Step your shit up.

Top 500 Feelings - #351 Girls Giving You Study Guides/Helping You Cheat

Pop quiz, lady readers: What's one easy way to get on a guy's good side? Wrong, get your mind out of the gutter. Give him a study guide, and a thorough one at that. And/or text him answers non-stop during tests coupled with winky faces. There are few things a feline can do to make our days easier, the other ways are mainly sexual or laundry-related. If you're making a study guide anyway, why not just share it with one of your weekend poon-supply options? Maybe the inebriated sex the next weekend will be a little more passionate (I'll barf in the toilet this time, not on your desk.) Think of each bullet point you give me as one more thrust I'll give you. Is this prostitution?

Will I remember you giving me the study guide 2 weeks later? Unlikely, but you can bet your clearly-leaving-beach-season ass that somewhere in the back of my head I will know I'm fond of you. And yeah, come Thursday night once I've tossed back a few, I'm gonna let you know the absolute honest truth of what I thought of it. I'll praise you if your shit was detailed, and absolutely shred all over your night if it missed that section in Chapter 3 about fixtures of easements gained through express grants. You helped my grades, and in doing so showed you care about my academic career and overall future (that's why you did it right?). Thank you fair maiden of study guides, your sexy intelligence just got me at half-mast.

Friends With Video Game Tempers

The male race is very competitive. One thing is for sure, we do not like losing. We don't care if its a game of facebook scrabble, a 40 yard dash , a thumb war, a pool basketball game, rock/paper/scissors , or even flip cup (we occasionally get tricked into playing). Everyone wants bragging rights and it's no different when it comes to video games. Being good at video games is the equivalent of being good at sex, except the video games are with other dudes and the sex is with chicks. But not everyone is good at video games. There is always that one kid that just can't master the dexterity in his opposable thumbs to score a goal in FIFA or throw a touchdown in Madden. This fireside chat isn't about that kid. Rather, this fireside chat is about that kid who has a bad temper when he plays video games. That kid that screams at the screen every time something goes wrong. That kid that comes up with a different excuse every time he loses. That kid that has broken four Xbox controllers in the past calendar year. That kid that everyone despises to lose to.

Sooner or later they are going to have to realize that getting mad isn't going to solve anything. All it does is piss off everyone else in the room who is patiently waiting to get their crack at the kingpin that runs shit in EA sports. The more they yell, the more everyone else wants to root against them, and the more people root against them, the worse the temper gets. Yes we are competitive but throw a friend a dap once and a while after a loss. Don't chuck the controller halfway across the room and spill over seven spitters in the process. It's not our fault that the little digital guys on your team were out partying while ours were out running routes. Just lose the temper man.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Where Amazing Happens?

CLEVELAND -- A radio host in Cleveland has hired a witch doctor in an attempt to send some bad mojo to basketball star LeBron James after he ditched the Cavaliers to play for the Miami Heat.

WMMS-FM broadcast the hex ceremony Tuesday morning, hours before the Heat's season opener in Boston.

The radio station says a witch doctor used bones, blood and a James jersey to cast a curse on the two-time MVP.

The host of "Rover's Morning Glory" says it's payback for the way James called it quits with the Cavs earlier this year.


Luckily I countered the Hex with my Petronus. Now all I have to do is finish my Voodoo on Rondo and the Heat should be good for the W tonight.

Getting Called by Your Last Name

How we haven't touched on this topic up to this point, I'm really not sure. Every group of friends has at the very least 2 kids who go strictly by their last name, whether they like it or not. I live with a kid whose first name I did not know until 3 weeks into our lease. Obviously once I learned it I wiped it from my brain and went on to calling him by his last name, but needless to say I was a little shaken to learn that he did in fact have a first name.

So what determines if somebody is destined to be a last-namer? The science is unclear. Some last names just have rings to them. Some last names are only average but sound more impressive when they follow "less exciting" first names. Not to shit on any Eric's, Matt's, or Tom's out there, but your last name gives you more of an identity. Off the top of my head people I only call by last name do tend to have short and to-the-point first names. First names like those get you from A to B, they're workhorses that get the job done, but that's all they do. There's no stylepoints there and we all know it. That's where a last name with a ring to it comes in to save the day.

For those of you called by your last name - cherish it. In addressing you by it, your friends are telling you you're qualified enough to represent your family, an honor no man should ever take for granted. Psych. I don't know why the fuck you get called by your last name. It's in your nature or some shit.


A Word Of Advice...

For the legacy kids (relaxxx I'm one) who didn't figure it out by the title, we're starting a new Broston section called "A Word Of Advice" in which we'll offer you little tidbits of wisdom. Feel free to take it or leave it.

Our first word of advice is straightforward: Drink Four Loko out of a cup. A lot of people claim to have a favorite flavor, a lot of kids can't stop talking about how good lemon-lime is, but the fact is they all taste like shit. Four Loko is poison mixed with shit mixed with lighter fluid mixed with crack-cocaine. But let's face it, on a Thursday night that stuff can turn children in to men and men in to gods. They're a grind to finish, but rewarding to take down. So pour that magical nectar in to a red solo. The process will become exponentially less painful, and the Loko will go down way quicker. It's physics guys.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Broston Going Global?

Luckly we hired a foreign exchange kid from the Czech Republic so he could translate our site for us...

I Can't Escape/Read These Things

That is not a fucking word in any language. What key do I hit to make that? I'm no James Hemingway but I'm not dyslexic either, not-dsylexic enough to know that that is certainly not a word.

Sexting Girls

So this post may take awhile, because let’s face it, sexting basically defines us as a generation. We borderline invented it and we can't seem to get enough of it. If you’re not sexting on a daily basis, well then there’s something wrong with you and you obviously don’t have my number.

Before I go any further, let me just say that I’m completely behind the institution of sexting as a whole. Sometimes guys get embarrassed by lame, sappy shit they text girls. Here’s the deal: The only guys out there not texting gay shit to girls are gay guys. Text smiley/kissy faces, be nicer than you ever would be in person, say “God I’m just such a sucker for you when I’m drunk.” No longer should you have to shield your phone from a buddy so he doesn’t catch a glimpse of your “Can we pleassseee snuggle later.” Don’t think of sexts as words that hold actual meaning. Rather, think of sexting as a formula, a math problem with a solution. Say what works, say what produces results. Nothing embarrassing about results.

On weekends you sext before you go out, you sext when you’re out (not mandatory), and you definitely sext after you go out. Before you go out you might shoot off a couple “Are you going out tonights?” or a few “Will I see you laters?" Casual, platonic, effective. When you're out, sexting someone at a different party/bar, you may want to throw a “Why aren’t you here?” or a “Let’s play,” something along those lines. And when the night is winding down, in the 2 am – 4:30 am time frame, the real fun begins. Sleaze, sleaze, and more sleaze. This is when you’re gonna see “I misissss uyoouu,” “Cum cuddlleeee,” and “Immmmm lonellyyyy.” Just like the putting green is in golf, this is the sexting time frame where the cashes are checked and the legends are born.

Sext early and sext often my friends. I’ll be waiting.

P.S. Being able to sleaze on BBM is an unfair advantage and it's bullshit.

Chafe - Looking For Your Golf Ball In The Rough

Now I love to hit the white pill around, but come on, none of us are ranked number 1 in Fairway Accuracy (unless Joe Durant is reading this blog). There comes a time in every round where you are going to have to deploy a search and rescue mission to find your fresh Nike golf ball. A golf course is usually the one place where you leave chafe at the door but somehow that sneaky bastard always finds a way to sneak on to the course. Autumn is upon us and the leaves are falling. The rough is now a battlefield with leaf mines scattered throughout. Just this past week look what I had to deal with (Figure 1 -->). 8 minutes and 43 seconds. That's how long it took for me to find my ball (numbers may or may not be fudged). All of that effort just so I could leave my next approach shot short and in the bunker (life is a beach I'm just playing from the sannnnnnd).

Just Do It

For all the LBJ haters out there.


Name their college, answers under each photo.

Corey Maggette

T.J. Houshmandzadeh

Takeo Spikes

Chris Kaman

Alge Crumpler

Sunday, October 24, 2010

No Nudity?

I mean in an HBO show you always want to hit the holy quadruplet: Violence, adult content, adult language, and the most important of all (let's face it) nudity (is sexual content one also?) Anyways I'm paying for HBO (splitting it 11 ways is cheap but that's not the point), and although Boardwalk hooked it up with both nudity and sexual content, I do expect nakedness in the last two episodes of my Sunday lineup (of which there was none). That's all I'm saying.

Chafe - Off Campus Fun Police

It Was Only A Matter Of Time

Saturday Night Live all up on Brett Favre's D.

Top 500 Feelings - #462 Having a Good Excuse

If you were to ask me what my 3 best talents are I would say Scrabble, Polish Horseshoes, and getting out of work, in no particular order. My uncanny ability for making up lies on the spot really helps me out with that third talent (and the first talent if you count the convincing way I tell my Scrabble partners that "HIGGITY" is a real word).

But lying can only get you so far in your quest to get out of work. Sometimes it takes a little divine intervention to give you something a lie can't: a good excuse. Family matters are pretty high on the list of excuses, but come with the chafe of family matters. Being sick is a classic, but teachers usually read right through the illness excuse because it's been so played out by past generations (thanks for having no originality with your excuses Mom and Dad).

The best excuses are ones you "just couldn't make up" (always include the fact that you couldn't make it up in your shameless e-mail to your teacher). Perfect execution sounds a little like this:

"My paper was ready to go, I just hadn't printed it yet and when my roommates and I came back from our ski trip this weekend, we found out there was a high amount of carbon monoxide in the house and the fumes fried my laptop. I lost everything and really don't know what to do at this point. I really couldn't make this up and normally would never ask for an extension but given the circumstances I see no other option for me to complete this paper."

Cha-ching. You're set. Top 500 feeling? You betcha.

P.S. If all else fails throw the hail mary: E-mail your Prof 6 pages of wingdings and claim file corruption.

Tim Lincecum: Cool, Calm, and Stoned

A picture montage in tribute to the postseason's flight school champion.

Blackout King:

Packs doggies and catches a lotta fish:

Gets NFL jerseys in his name (clearly post-blaze sesh):

Takes shrooms and slays invisible jedis:

Flight school interviews:

Chews more gum than you do:

Rolls with Pacquiao:

Was robbed of an Oscar for best supporting role in Dazed and Confused:

Rocks Snuggies and acts like a ninja (if you think flight school wasn't involved here, well you're probably at flight school):

Went through a wigger phase like we all did:

Actually is a ninja:

Likes fucking up girl's group pictures like we all do:

Friday, October 22, 2010

Happy Flannel Friday!

I'd say it's finally time to bust out the flannels for Fridays.

Chafe - Getting to Lower Before Your Friend

Ah, a classic chafe. Looking like a loner even when you’re really not. Theres only a few options for the kid who gets to Lower, or any other eatery on campus, before their friend. Obviously you’ve got to scan the dining hall to make sure the friend isn’t there. After receiving visual confirmation that your friend is, in fact, a lazy piece of shit, the time-killing methods are boring and of course chafing.

You can:

1. Double check your phone to make sure your friend said they’d be there at 1:00. (they did)

2. Pretend to be debating your choice of chips for 5 minutes or so.

3. Do the same with drinks.

4. Go to the bathroom.

5. Act like you're texting somebody.

And that’s pretty much it. Your friend has really fucked you here and you’re gonna look like a deer in the headlights if you don’t do one of the 5 options. If you bang out 3 or 4 of the options and THEN you get a text that says “leaving now, be there in 5” you have a license to get your food to go and ditch your deadbeat ex-friend. Leaving your buddies out to dry at Lower (or especially McElroy for all you self-conscious freshman turds) is a quick way to lose friends and earn a reputation as a two-faced, backstabbing lintlicker.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Baby Chafe - Having To Swipe In To An ATM

At least this ATM has $30 and $50 options.

Watch Out NFL

Repping fresh Nike pink gloves in honor of Breast Cancer Awareness Month on Shea (Chay) Field. And who says Broston doesn't care?

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Happy Thursday!

"...Being perfect is not about those classes out there. It's not about grades. It's about you and your relationship with yourself, your family and your friends. Being perfect is about being able to look your friends in the eye and know that you didnt let them down because you told them the truth. And that truth is you did everything you could. There wasnt one more thing you could've done. Can you live on that Thursday as best you can, with clear eyes, and love in your heart, with joy in your heart? If you can do that gentleman - you're perfect."

What Kyle Singler Doesn't Want You to Know...

Kyle Singler still wears puka-shell necklaces.
Kyle Singler is deciding between signing with Fila, Saucony or Teva if he ever makes it to the league.
Kyle Singler loves to dougie but always gets shy when Nolan Smith is around.
Kyle Singler returns the clothes he borrowed from you unwashed.
Kyle Singler only texts in T-9.
Kyle Singler devised the parking scheme at BC.
Kyle Singler thought Ocean's 12 was the best of the trilogy.
Kyle Singler prefers chalkboards to whiteboards.
Kyle Singler loves black licorice.
Kyle Singler calls Wings Over Brookline and asks about their vegetarian options.
Kyle Singler rooted against Sean Connery in "The Rock."
Kyle Singler pays with cash at Lower.
Kyle Singler prefers network TV to HBO, Starz, and Showtime.
Kyle Singler watches DVR porn.
Kyle Single hates rice crispy treat cereal.
Kyle Singler voted "no" to California's Proposition 19.

Texting In Class

I don't know what our parents did during class back in the day, but God bless them. I already pity the small population of students that don't have smart phones, but our 'rents not even having texting capabilities must have driven them insane. If I broke down my normal class this is probably what it would come out like (these calculations are done for a 50 minute class, to convert to an hour and 15 minute class just multiply everything by 1.5):

5 minutes late
15 minutes of Kelly Slater'ing the web
10 minutes of note taking (if writing utensil is available)
20 minutes of texting (texting is batting .400 in every 50 minute class. By transitive property texting is as important as Ted Williams)

As you can see, texting plays a major role in each and every class. It not only helps you kill time, but it also keeps you in touch with your social network (shoutout to Zuckerberg).

Occasionally one of two things can go wrong for an in-class texter. You're either going to be stuck in a class in Carney that has 12 students (standard deviation of 2) or you're going to have a dickwad of a teacher that calls you out for being on your phone. If you find yourself in a small class (especially in which the desks form a circle), things may get tricky. Your teacher can usually see you if you try and text under the desk and they can definitely see you if you text over the desk. The key here is to either go with the no-look text, or to put your legs up and text from the lap. Use your knees as a shield and trust the video game dexterity in your fingers to relay what it is you want to say.

But when you come across a teacher that lives to prevent phone use in class you really only have two options. You can be a brave individual and just take the heat from the teach (these are the kids that have no regards for human life and blatantly text out in front of everyone (love you guys)) or you can try and be slick rick and text in secret (these are the kids that look like they are texting the CIA coordinates of an enemy bomber).

A teacher's best friend? No service. When you're "searching for network," you know you're fucked. Even if you do manage to find it here and there, you're whole game is thrown off. You just end up checking your phone more often than usual to see if texts are sending out or coming in, only making you more vulnerable.

For those of us lucky enough to be in college now, the in-class texting battle is one as old as time. Are we giving up?

Did I write this post from class on my Blackberry?

Spitter of the Week - Jiff Peanut Butter

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Guy/Girl Salutations

Guy/guy greetings are simple. You dap a friend, you dap/handshake for introductions (if one guy goes for dap and the other for a shake shit can get awkward, but it's never too bad), and that's pretty much that. Cut and dry. Not much room for interpretation.

Girls are a whole different beast. When you meet, do you shake? Do you awkwardly wave and say "hi"? God forbid do you hug? Who the fuck ever knows. So that's painful right there. But the chafe isn't over. Now you've hung out once or twice at a couple of parties, shared some actual conversations, now what? Too early in the relationship to hug when you run in to each other? When does the hug become expected? Personally I think hugging (other than with people you're dating) should literally be outlawed on campus when the sun is up. I think a ban of that sort would make everyone's day-to-day way easier.

Why can't girls just dap? What are you guys above that or something? Can you not figure out how to do it? I'm reaching out to you here and now, ladies. Let's figure this shit out together, because I just feel like if dapping was the universal, unisex college salutation, awkward interactions would pretty much cease to exist.

Otherwise, it's a predicament that men and women could spend millennia getting to the bottom of.

Baby Chafe - Not Knowing You're In CAPS Lock

I USUALLY REALIZE by the third word.


Chafe - Leaving Your Tin in the Laundry

Last week I lost a tin. A pretty full tin too, not the type I could just walk away from and move on to the next crop of leaves like nothing happened. So Johnny Utah and I scoured our house in ways that would make the stars of CSI take notes. But still no sign of the puck. I jokingly told him I had probably thrown it in the wash on accident. I think you know where I'm going with this. I'm still fuming about the incident and really don't wanna write anymore. R.I.P. Citrus, I'll never forgive myself for the negligent behavior that led to your untimely demise.

Player T-Shirts

Greatest invention since the Internet. Honestly nothing has revolutionized my wardrobe so emphatically since I made the switch from tighty whiteys to boxers when I was 15. If you're a sports fan, or just a fan of looking good, there really is no cooler, more versatile article of clothing out there. Instead of popping some absurd amount of cash on a jersey (which you will of course have to do at times), or searching for hours online for solid Japanese bootlegs (which you will of course have to do at times), you can pay $20 for the player-T and get similar results. You can still rep your team/a fresh player, and now you've purchased an article of clothing that you can wear in virtually any situation: to a game, to class, around the house, out at night (if it's a cool enough shirt/team/player), the possibilities are endless.

Player T's are also great for repping teams that you don't root for, a cheap way to rock teams and players that you probably wouldn't otherwise. For instance, I'm a Sox/NY Giants fan (sue me), but I could easily see myself purchasing Ovechkin, Strassburg, John Wall, Lincecum, or Vick player T's in the near future, just because they'd be cool fucking shirts. Who wouldn't love to have the lineup in their dresser?