Monday, June 21, 2010

Chafe - Vuvuzelas


Congratulations vuvuzelas, you are Broston’s first audio-chafe. For those of you raising families in caves or under rocks for the last few weeks, these are the horns fans are blowing at World Cup games that are as smooth as jackhammers on the ears. There are so many things wrong with this year’s World Cup already-boring games, the ball, shitty refs, No Charlie Davies (or Cobi Jones), etc. The cherry on top is the addition of these godforsaken horns. I could give two shits if they’re a tradition in South Africa. You know what else is a tradition in South Africa? Apartheid. 

The overly-energetic South African fans, who apparently have never attended any other sporting event in their life, think it’s okay to blow them for 90 straight minutes as if teams are scoring goals every 3 minutes. When teams do actually score, the stadium gets quieter because people stop doming up these horns and yell for once- but their vocal chords can’t compare to the octaves the vuvu’s hit. 

So we are left with 3 options in terms of how to watch the World Cup. 1. We watch it on mute, and realize just how fucking boring soccer is to watch on TV. 2. We put it on mute, take out a nearby computer, head to YouTube and blast the volume on Wayne Rooney highlight tapes-whether they have commentary or a soundtrack is irrelevant. 3. Watch it on normal volume and realize you’d be having more fun hanging out in downtown Chernobyl in the mid 80’s – unless the US is playing in which case everybody plays the patriotism card and watches like it’s the 6 o’clock news on the day MJ died.

Don’t get me wrong-I love the World Cup. Almost everything about it - the opening ceremony, the rando’s upsetting powers, Alexi Lalas, Maradona, the Dutch uni’s, France and England’s absolute fuck-ups, the list goes on. But I just can’t deal with the vuvus. 

*Disclaimer: You’re damn right I’d be blowing one if I was there. 

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