Tuesday, June 29, 2010

How Was Your Weekend?

Footage from the Electric Daisy Carnival in Los Angeles this past weekend. Shit was Woodstock on Molly. Watch the whole thing, there are way too many highlights but I think my favorite is the kid shoving the cop at 6:10 or the bouncer warning the crowd at 8:10.

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Longest Tennis Match Ever


Even the scoreboard couldn't keep up.

The electronic sign keeping track courtside as the points passed and the game totals rose went blank while 23rd-seeded John Isner of Tampa, Fla., and qualifier Nicolas Mahut of France played — and played and played — the longest match in tennis history, until action was suspended because of darkness at 59-59 in the fifth set Wednesday night at Wimbledon.


I am tired just writing about this match. For the most part, I hate when people use the word “epic” to describe almost anything. “My night was epic, I drank a lot of beer and stayed up late with my friends” or “That’d be epic if the Celtics signed Raja Bell”. Neither of those are “epic” in any sense of the term. This match was epic. In fact, it was AN epic. This is one they will tell to their grandkids, win or lose. (Chafe-losing a 9+ hour long tennis match, on English soil no less).

No one has ever heard of either of these guys. They are Dallas Bradens of Wimbledon- except they’re not good, they’re just really, really evenly matched. They define evenly matched. In the history of the sport no 2 players have ever been so equal in skill level. What does that mean? I have no idea. Maybe this will be the match that changes the way tennis games are ended in the future. What if the Win-By-2 rule didn’t exist? Let’s be honest, it only exists in pickup basketball games to act as a safety cushion if you fuck up on defense. Either that or just to allow you more time on the court at the Plex when there’s a gang of kids on the sidelines with brand new Jordans on, patiently waiting to break you off with some JV + one year of Varsity high school basketball skills. I digress.

Someone should just end this slopfest. The two are walking around like it’s fucking Wii tennis and between every point I just keep seeing shots of the moon above the court. It could just possibly be the only time in professional sports when both players agree to the “next point wins” rule. God bless these brave souls. All I know is that if that was me out there, as soon as I finished the match I would head to the lockerroom and funnel like 9 Strawberry Muscle Milks to the face, punish a few EAS Myoplexes (Matt Hasselbeck, BC what up) and snort 10-12 lines of NO-XPLODE. Just cause, mothafucka, just cause.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Uncle C. Getting Iced Left And Right

So we're down at the Jersey Shore right now (shoutout to Beach Haven, LBI), and I've gotten iced 3 times in 24 hours. The picture is of the first one, the old "Uncle let's do rum and coke, will you grab the handle?" Then, in the dark of night, Notorious plants an ice in my car, left to bake all in the hot sun before I finally discovered it at 1 pm the following day. I'm not gonna bullshit you, that one hurt.

Let's. Fucking. Go

Monday, June 21, 2010

Chafe - Vuvuzelas

Congratulations vuvuzelas, you are Broston’s first audio-chafe. For those of you raising families in caves or under rocks for the last few weeks, these are the horns fans are blowing at World Cup games that are as smooth as jackhammers on the ears. There are so many things wrong with this year’s World Cup already-boring games, the ball, shitty refs, No Charlie Davies (or Cobi Jones), etc. The cherry on top is the addition of these godforsaken horns. I could give two shits if they’re a tradition in South Africa. You know what else is a tradition in South Africa? Apartheid. 

The overly-energetic South African fans, who apparently have never attended any other sporting event in their life, think it’s okay to blow them for 90 straight minutes as if teams are scoring goals every 3 minutes. When teams do actually score, the stadium gets quieter because people stop doming up these horns and yell for once- but their vocal chords can’t compare to the octaves the vuvu’s hit. 

So we are left with 3 options in terms of how to watch the World Cup. 1. We watch it on mute, and realize just how fucking boring soccer is to watch on TV. 2. We put it on mute, take out a nearby computer, head to YouTube and blast the volume on Wayne Rooney highlight tapes-whether they have commentary or a soundtrack is irrelevant. 3. Watch it on normal volume and realize you’d be having more fun hanging out in downtown Chernobyl in the mid 80’s – unless the US is playing in which case everybody plays the patriotism card and watches like it’s the 6 o’clock news on the day MJ died.

Don’t get me wrong-I love the World Cup. Almost everything about it - the opening ceremony, the rando’s upsetting powers, Alexi Lalas, Maradona, the Dutch uni’s, France and England’s absolute fuck-ups, the list goes on. But I just can’t deal with the vuvus. 

*Disclaimer: You’re damn right I’d be blowing one if I was there. 

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Chafe - No EZ Pass

First off, I don't know why these things don't come built in to every car. The ultimate chafe, traffic, usually stems from the jam up at toll booths. We could potentially kill two birds with one (key)stone by making EZ passes mandatory in every car. What sucks is that you never realize you don't have an EZ pass until you start scrambling to find it driving up to the toll booth. The worst is when you even have the two sticker/velcro patches on your window, meaning you have an EZ pass but it's in a different car. Everyone this summer is going to have to go through a toll booth eventually, whether on a road trip or driving to work, so avoid the chafe by saving some cash and spending the monopoly money from the EZ pass (do our parents just get charged to their credit cards? How do these things even work?).

Toy Boat Challenge

If anyone can say "toy boat" three times really fast (and I mean really really fast), record it and email it to us. I'd love to hear it.

-Lieutenant Jenkems

Friday, June 18, 2010

Horrified, Disgusted, Shocked

I couldn't find the replay of the blown call in the late stages of the USA Slovenia game. It doesn't matter. We won. We won that fucking game and that son of a bitch ref from Mali snatched it away from us. At the very least it's a penalty kick from a foul committed on Michael Bradley. We deserved those three points. God I'm just so angry right now. I can't even put it in to words. This is Jim Joyce times a million. They clawed back and they should have won. I will bleed on the flag to keep the stripes red, and so help me if we don't advance I'm sticking Gary Faulkner (see below) on that ref.

P.S. We're still alive.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

A Bro You Should Know - Gary Faulkner

An American held in Pakistan who said he was looking for Osama bin Laden is "like a bulldog" who wouldn't let go of the idea of finding the fugitive al Qaeda leader, his brother said Tuesday.

"My brother is not crazy. He is highly intelligent and loves his country and he has not forgotten what Osama has done to this country," Scott Faulkner, brother of Gary Brooks Faulkner, told CNN.

"Osama had made some references to our God, the God of the Bible, in a poor light, and the fact that he was taunting America and getting away with killing thousands of Americans, my brother took that very personally," he said.

Gary Faulkner, 50, is being held in Pakistan after being stopped near the border with Afghanistan's Nuristan province, Pakistani police announced Tuesday. He was carrying a pistol, a sword, night-vision equipment and Christian religious books, said Mumtaz Ahmed, a police chief in the area.

- CNN.com

You gotta love this guy. America needs more Gary Faulkners. Just a construction worker from Cali who will not hesitate to hoof it to the Pakistani mountains to hunt Osama by himself. It's funny, I was just thinking of writing a Fireside Chat: How the fuck have we not found bin Laden yet? We're the best country on earth and we can't find the one guy we really want to find. How can that be? Anyways, clearly Gary was thinking the same thing and just got fed up, went to find the bastard himself. What better way to celebrate a week of U.S. soccer in the World Cup than to kill America's most wanted bad guy with a 40 inch samurai sword? Good effort Gary.

Flight School Just Got a Little More Thug

Believe it or not neither of those hands belong to any of us.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Fuck Redcoats

Maybe if we posted this a few days ago we would have knocked off England. Our bad.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

What Kyle Singler Doesn't Want You To Know...

Kyle Singler has a Jim Joyce poster above his bed.
Kyle Singler lost his virginity to a Fleshlight.
Kyle Singler's favorite vocalist of N*SYNC was J.C. Chasez
Kyle Singler's favorite physique of N*SYNC was Lance Bass's.
Kyle Singler takes ten minutes to edit his starting line-up before playing FIFA.
Kyle Singler thought Moby Dick was a venerial disease.
Kyle Singler calls his male friends "guyfriends".
Kyle Singler still watches Big Brother religiously.
Kyle Singler doesn't know what the "waistband-tuck method" refers to.
Kyle Singler doesn't know what his hat size is off the top of his head.
Kyle Singler thought Schindler's List was hilarious.
Kyle Singler reads his horoscope every morning.
Kyle Singler holds the ball laces-in.
Kyle Singler thought Jesse Jackson was the man who ended apartheid in South Africa.
Kyle Singler watches Mars Attacks! before big games.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Stanley Cup Beef Continues

It seems everyone not from Philly hates Chris Pronger. Adam Burish had the stones to tell it like it is in an interview after the game. 

View more news videos at: http://www.nbcchicago.com/video.

Pronger responded the day after with a few one-liners of his own. At first Pronger said he had no comments for someone who barely saw any ice-time, but after being told that Burish said he might punch Pronger the next time he sees him, Pronger asked, "Where's that? In the minors?"

The comeback was fresh, but not as fresh as the time Burish and the rest of the Blackhawks had at a bar in Chicago at 8 a.m. the morning following the victory:

It Begins

It hasn't really sunk in yet, mainly because I'm at halftime of this first game and it's boring as shit. Mexico wins the most important battle thus far-jersey appeal. The black on black adidas reeks of freshness. Let's see if Invictus can inspire the South Africans to be good at other sports too. Props to ESPN for getting decent commentators though. I was sort of expecting someone like Joe Buck to be running the play-by-play. I can't tell you how happy I was to see Sal Masekala working as the alternate reporter, there is no sport this man doesn't cover.

P.S. ESPN needs to figure out a way to cancel out the horn noise in the background, shit is going to be stuck in my head all day and how the hell am I supposed to whistle that tune at my kinda-but-not-really serious internship?

P.P.S. Mexico's goalie looks A LOT like Randy Winn. I'm just saying.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Did WhatsApp Just Change Everything?

In one sense, this is shameless advertising from an iPhone user who pines for BBM, and in another, it's genuine excitement that prompted me to post. Is the iPhone fresher than the Berry in every way, shape, and form? Yes it is. The GPS, the browser, the iPod, the videos, apps, and sleek design. The list goes on and on and on. But as you'll learn in whatever that literature class they make you take Freshman year, with every hero comes their fatal flaw. No BBM. Simply put, I feel at a disadvantage without it. My Blackberry bros have fresh BBM threads that I'm left out of (chafe - being excluded), and while I'm shooting fruitless texts at the cutie from Cityside, my boy already has her pin, and is BBMing the shit out of her an hour after we leave the bar. More conversational, more personal, and now the fact that I'm better looking and funnier has become completely irrelevant because of the BBM factor.

But then, in the darkness of MMS (does anyone know what that stands for?) iPhone texting, WhatsApp may have provided light. An app that is nearly identical to BBM, and that is compatible with Blackberries and iPhones alike. I have a dream, that one day I will not be out-sleazed by my BBM-wielding brethren, and that we may all text on one platform. Could this be it? Did the world just change forever? I know the Berry-havers will downplay this breakthrough, but it is a step in the right direction. Be afraid Verizon, Jobs is coming for you.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Speaking of Notre Dame

RENTON — Seahawks rookie Golden Tate was a little late for National Doughnut Day, which was last Friday.

And he arrived a little too early for Top Pot Doughnuts cafe in Bellevue. It doesn't open until 7 a.m. on Saturdays.

So when Tate and a friend found their way into the cafe at about 3 a.m. on Saturday, timing became a problem and precipitated a visit from the Bellevue Police officers and a warning for trespassing.

So Golden Tate gets drafted, thinks he's the shit, and assumes it's okay to break into doughnut shops at 3 a.m.? I'm pretty sure with the money this guy will be seeing over the next few years he could buy the store itself. The woman who witnessed the incident told the police that Tate and his friend were drunk and "being retarded." I wish this article included the details of how many doughnuts Tate stole so I could gauge just how stoned he was. There's no doubt in my mind that after dealing with the police Tate went upstairs with his buddies, turned on South Park and started tossing out questions like, "What if the world really isn't round?" and "How weird is deja vu, man?" All this would likely be followed with an hour long listen of MGMT/Bob Marley mashup remixes with the visualizer turned on on iTunes and further munching, this time of Cheez-It White Cheddars and Bugles Originals. Pete Carroll truly is running a tight ship over there for the Seahawks.

BC Renews Contract to Play ND

BOSTON HERALD- The schools have reached a preliminary agreement to extend the series until at least 2019, with six games added to the schedule.

The rivalry was scheduled to end this fall, with the Eagles hosting the Fighting Irish on Oct. 2 at Alumni Stadium.

Now, with a half-dozen games added, Boston College is scheduled to host Notre Dame in 2012, 2015 and 2019.

The Eagles will travel to South Bend, Ind., in 2011, 2016 and 2018.

Everyone untie that knot in your knickers. We are playing Notre Dame again. Thank god, I'll be honest-I can't really force myself to call Virginia Tech our archrival. BC and ND are the only Catholic schools that play Division 1-A football, so both schools figured that it was only right for their rich alumni to have the ability of continuing the tradition of bragging about recent wins. The game this fall was already locked down, this means there will be one added in the fall of 2011 in Bumblefuck, IN. After that there's like a few random games or something, I don't really care I'll be graduated/getting my GED and hating life by then.

This Kid Plays Baseball Pretty Well

Good god that was impressive. Strasburg became the first pitcher to have 14 K's in 7 innings or less since 1969-yes, that stat includes people who had played in the MLB before. I was praying they'd leave him in but that was too much to ask from the Nationals, who only allow a certain amount of entertainment per game for their fans. Cheers Strazzy, see you out there.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Am I Seeing What I'm Seeing?

The most amazing commercial possibly in the history of mankind? I don't know, this or Mean Joe Greene. How does this kid get away with this stuff?

Entourage Countdown

Utah here just reminding you that the countdown has officially begun. I've been waiting 247 days to announce the 20 day countdown to the season 7 premiere of Entourage and yes I even dusted off the TI 83 Plus to figure this out. In the words of Turtle, "Vinny Chase is back baby!" Mark your calenders and plan ahead kids because you don't want to find your binocular case empty when the clock strikes 10:30 on this holiest of Sunday nights.

Monday, June 7, 2010

Killing Time In The Dog Days Of Summer

HurriCanye South played CHAFED for 12 points. I'm just waiting for the time I see CHAFE on Jeopardy.

This Guy Must Be Getting Excited

Hopefully this guy doesn't get any USA games in South Africa...

Sunday, June 6, 2010

A Bro You Should Know - Rickie Fowler

Rickie Fowler is a 20 year old currently turning heads in the professional golf world. There are plenty of good golfers out there that we could profile, so why would we choose Fowler? Simply put - his swag. No one else on earth could pull off the outfits that this guy does ("pulling off" and wearing are not the same thing, Ian Poulter). Fowler is the Ryan Sheckler of professional golf, but way less sensitive. A couple of years ago he was named the top player in the NCAA, the first freshman to ever gain the honor. What was he doing before golf? Fowls was a motocross racer and only quit after shattering his foot in an accident in 8th grade.

His father, Rod, owns a trucking company. Fowler went to Oklahoma State. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Yeah, the kid must love his chewing tobacco. At any given time I'd guess there's 6 full tins in his bag, plus another 2 logs in his locker. We're here giggling about spitters like pitchers and Cracker Jack bags, and Fowls thinks nothing of shooting saliva over the nicest teeboxes on the planet. This So-Cal bro is redefining what it means to be a "Lord of Dogtown".

He's already earned over 1.3 mil this year, although at least 70% of that has been burned on booze, weed, conditioner, and suntan oil. He'd be broke if Puma wasn't giving him free clothes. Sidenote-Usain Bolt is the only other guy I can name off the top of my head that is sponsored by Puma. Kudos to Puma for picking 2 absolute ballers to rock their shit.

Rickie always looks like he has something better to be doing while he's golfing. Truth is, he does. At the snap of a finger he could be having a threesome at the Playboy Mansion. He could literally walk off of the course at any given time and go and buy a yacht. He could be chewing a bullet while running the counterattack in NHL '10. Golf is just a source of income and a chance to get a little more bronze. Tiger has his Sunday Red, Rickie has his Do Me Orange.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

Chafe - Poison Ivy

For years I’ve been shown what a poison ivy plant looks like and been told I should be able to recognize one and stay away from it. Do you think I actually check plants before I venture into the woods to get the basketball that took a bad bounce in my driveway? Do you think I take leaf samples before running from the cops through random people’s backyards? Hell no. Poison ivy is something that just hits you when you least expect it and flat out sucks to have. Everyone is always hesitant that they are about to get poison ivy in uncharted territory but that never actually stops anyone from doing something. You just get the football, take the hit and hope the cream you put on it makes it go away quickly (especially before a Thursday night).Why does poison ivy even exist? Do people plant it? The itching, the redness, the chafe, none of it has any upside besides the fact that you can claim you were technically “poisoned.” The worst is when someone else spreads the poison ivy to you. As if it’s not bad enough that they got it, they share the wealth by making you suffer as well.

Friday, June 4, 2010

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Top 500 Feelings - #407 Realizing You Hooked Up With a Girl at Her Peak

Reader E-mail:
You know what happens when you clowns take the summer off from being productive bloggers? Me and my friend Rich start distracting ourselves with our own ideas for posts. I present to you...Broston College: Respect Your Elders Edition.
-Anonymous Alumni

Thus, we present to you our first Top 500 Feeling sent in by a reader, an alumni no less.

Scene: You're in Walsh on a Saturday morning and decide to check out Facebook to see how many sluts tried to friend you after the Heaven and Hell Party 28A threw last night.  But before you get the chance to ignore the ugly ones’ requests, a familiar face pops up on the News Feed. It's that UMass chick you drilled during the summer two years ago while you were up at your parents' Cape house.  Your mind slowly drifts back to her golden blonde hair, the faint smell of perfume on her neck, and the noise she made as you tried to slip in that third finger.* But as you're frantically searching through her profile to look for the "bikini photos", you are horrified to learn she's gained about twenty pounds, went off Accutane (I don't care if it makes you depressed, I like smooth skin), and her hair has reverted back to its natural color…red. And not "Kristen Stewart pulled it off in Twilight’ (no homo)" red, but "Go and set the world aflame" red.**  That's when you realize it - you hooked up with her at her peak.

You feel like Charlie Sheen in Wall Street, jumping on a stock (and by stock, I mean vagina) at the perfect moment in time. There is a short shelf life for most good-looking girls at BC. It is that glorious few semesters after they have binge-and-purged away the Freshman 15, but before they go abroad to Italy and "experience the culture" by drinking a bottle of wine a day, gorging on carbs, and forgetting what an Eliptical is. While the hookup itself may not have even been that great, looking back a year later and realizing you got it while the getting was good is a feeling that is hard to beat. 

* They said it, not us.
** Sorry to our ginger readers. 

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Anti-Bro of the Week - Jim Joyce

DETROIT -- Armando Galarraga of the Detroit Tigers lost his bid for a perfect game Wednesday night with two outs in the ninth inning on a disputed call at first base. Replays appeared to show Cleveland hitter Jason Donald was out.

- ESPN.com

That's all you need to know. The umpire is a cock weasel named Jim Joyce. Who is Jim Joyce you ask? Jim Joyce is the worst man on the planet. That is not opinion. That is simple fact. He is Darth Vader, BCPD, and Cruella de Vil rolled in to one. We know for certain that he loves Kyle Singler, hates talking chicks, and clearly dislikes perfect games, as well as the excitement, fun, and happiness that come with them. Listen, Uncle Chafe (For the newcomers and the legacy kids, I'm referring to myself in the third person) has not posted since his last final. Clearly this upset me, clearly this pushed me to the point of blogging no-return. I don't even know what to say Jimmy. He was out, you called him safe, and I honestly haven't loathed someone with such intensity since Greg Paulus slithered in to Conte Forum. I truly hope you never find happiness. That is all. Goodbye.

P.S. A big Broston College welcome to instant replay in Major League Baseball.

Griffey Retiring

And there goes one of the prettiest swings in baseball. We will never forget you Kenneth. On any given lonely day, I'd take one of your posters over a Playboy mag hands down.

P.S. Thank you for making it okay for all of America (and not just Fred Durst) to wear backwards MLB hats in our everyday lives.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Yeah, It's Motherfucking Summertime

This is literally more American than apple pie, assuming that it was Bud Heavy or PBR. Probably should have posted this on Memorial Day or waited till the 4th but sometimes the Red and Blue in me is just bursting to get out.