Thursday, May 13, 2010


There is a grave and sinister new threat facing our college sons nationwide. College girls are now “vajazzling” their privates with jewels in efforts to tempt our solid, young men into fornicating with them and having babies.

Females are distracting young men from their studies, hindering their academic progress and dreams of becoming the doctors, lawyers and corporate executives of the next generation.

All right, first of all, I grabbed this off of a website titled “” if that doesn’t tell you how retardedly bad I am at studying then I can’t help you. Let me just say upfront, I love the guy who wrote this article, Derek Van Buren is his alleged name. And whether good ol’ DVB meant to be or not, he’s an absolute hero. OK he may be clinically insane, but he’s a hero nonetheless.

Beside for the obvious obscurities this guy is rambling on about, this article is absolutley loaded. For starters, the word “whore” is mentioned 33 times(I F-commanded it). And the lines that this freak is coming up with are absolutely priceless. Now don’t get me wrong here, this guy is clearly out of his fucking mind. But you can’t deny, the man is a magician with words and he is just dropping gem after gem after gem (vajazzling gems, if you will).

“College girls are now ‘vajazzling’ their privates with jewels in efforts to tempt our solid, young men into fornicating with them and having babies.”—What. The. Fuck?

Is this actually a trend? Are there actually girls out there getting jewels super glued around their pussies? I mean, I’ve met some girls that I thought were pretty fucking insane in my day, but my God… To be honest I don’t even know what to think of a girl with a sparkling pussy. Are sparkling pussies cool? Are they better than regular pussies? I never really thought about it, I thought pussies were pretty cuello the way they were.

And according to Van Buren these vajazzled vaginas (say that 5 times fast) are bad news for us college bros. Apparently these sluts are gonna try to bewilder us with there shimmery majestic vagina jewels and lure us so they can murder us, or whatever this freak was talking about. It’s also not their fault:

“We cannot fully fault college girls for being a victim of their feeble, near-sighted minds. It is innate to the XX gene-set.”

I feel you DVB. Speak the truth.

Quick scenario: You're hooking up with some chick in your bed, things start getting intense, ipso facto her pants come off. Now, no matter what type of approach you initially take at going down south; (hand, face, cock—whatever), when you eventually get down there you feel little tiny jewel-like bumps all over her FUPA- (or let's pray there's no F and it's just an UPA)—“What the fuck are these?” Then you get a glimpse of it. You can’t really tell what it is, but it kind of looks like a baby unicorn or a seahorse or something really flamboyant. Its made entirely of jewels and its completely covering this broad's UPA—Now my first reaction would be “Whoa this slut is a fucking alien.” I’d then proceed to call the Men in Black (I got Big Willie style on speed dial, so that’s a no brainer).

But if you're positive this girl is human, your next move obviously depends on how hot this girl is. I’m thinking any thing below a 919(on the face: yes or no: body rating system), warrants a get-the-fuck-out-of-there. But for a 919, fuck it, I’d vajazzle myself. I’d make a sick dragon, an outline of Jimmy Buffet's face or something really badass. Or I guess in that case ‘penisjazzle’ might be more accurate term? I’m not too familiar with the Jazzle Industry these days.

As a side note I think I just decided that ‘vajazzle’ is my new favorite verb. “Yo, Vajazzle me that beer bro!”…Love it.

So in final, I’m gonna close with a message to all you parents out there. To quote my boy Derek Van Buren:

“If you have a college daughter, at least talk to her and tell her to keep her antics to herself, not using her vajazzled groin in attacking young men at fraternity socials or at late night study hall meetings.”

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