Recently a water pipe burst in Weston, MA, rendering the Allston/Brighton/Lower communities waterless for an indefinite amount of time, which is still going on. As I write this, it's fucking 12:30 a.m. and I'm sweating like a hairy priest in a whorehouse. Why does this shit happen at the worst times? Not only can we not brush our teeth or wash out our doggies, it's like the fucking Sahara outside and I'm thirstier than Lil' Kim at a Seal concert.
CVS was literally rationing out bottles of water today. J. Utah was restricted to only buying 2 30's (of water). People, this isn't the Great Depression. Right??
Maybe I am underestimating this thing. The latest rumors are saying 10-14 more days of this ongoing Purgatory. Sooo uhh what am I gonna make my Muscle Milk out of now? You think I have endless bottles of milk up here? No, I make it out of water, and yes I know it's less creamy but that's the way I like it.
Now I personally gave up as soon as they sent the email out on not brushing my teeth. If I don't swallow the water, I'm fine. I try to take 3 sips a day of the water, just in efforts to build up an immunity to this disease. Which brings up another point. Why have they not told us what exactly is in this water? Did a sewage pipe explode into it? Was there a hole in our pipe that allowed SARS bacteria to invade? Help me out here, I'm having nightmares.
How long until we start seeing sketchy guys wearing clock chains and du-rags outside Walsh telling you that you can "get dat wata fo real cheap", and then brandishing 2 bottles and teasing you with them? I don't wanna be offered that OG Cloudjuice every time I enter Walsh. It has become so outrageous that one of our friends was carrying a bottle by a drive-thru KFC window when the lady yelled out to him, saying she'd trade him a sandwich for the bottle. The trade was made in maybe what will go down as the single moment that I remember from this whole catastrophe.
And along comes a baby chafe piggy-backing on the MegaChafe. Now anytime you see someone you know lugging H20 into the Walsh lobby, you 100% have to comment on it. And it's gotta be original, which is hard when you've got a GeoScience presentation in an hour and you can't tell an emerald from granite. "Whoa, take a look at this camel!" "What is this? The loaves and the fishes?" "Excuse me, what room are the Poland Springs baptisms being held in?" The next time I hear the half-ass line of "Wow, you must be thirsty!" I might lose it.
We will likely be having updates on the water situation, because, well, it is a matter of life and death. I can tell you this much - not stocking up on water earlier was probably the worst idea I've had since I drank nothing but purple Gatorade for 10 days in 4th grade to see if it would make me sweat purple, just like in the commercials. (Shocker, it didn't. Thanks for the false hope Mia Hamm.) And also please boycott this boiling of water in dorms idea. No one raised after 1978 brings a kettle to college, that's common knowledge.