Monday, May 3, 2010

A Bro You Should Know - Water

A wise man (probably Boggs) once said “You don’t know what you’ve got until its gone,” and let me tell you my fresh-hearted brethren, truer words have never been spoken.

Nothing screams America like good ol’ H20. (chew (or skoal) on this for a second: USA and H20 have the same amount of characters in their abbreviations, coincidence? I think not.) Now, before I start, let me make myself clear, when I say water, I’m talking faucet water, pure-blooded American aqueduct water. FUCK Poland Spring, fuck Desani, and double fuck this "Smart Water" nonsense (we get it, your bottles are huge, now make something I can fit in my back pocket you fucking show-offs). Since I was 9 years old I’ve lived my life by one unbreakable law: I don’t pay for water, because it's water. I drink water out of the sink or I steal from the numbskulls who bottle it and try to sell it for actual money. The entire bottled water industry’s only redeeming quality is the excellent craftsmanship of their spitters, and some degree of credit is properly due, but not much because they’re all swindlers in my eyes.

This recent bullshit surrounding its absence here in Chestnut Hill has gotten me thinking. I love water. We all do. What’s not to love? It’s free (let's be honest (lesbiannisss) none of us pay bills/utilities…it's free). Everything needs it (Imagine being responsible for the survival of every living thing on the planet Earth... unless you're water or Wade Boggs you really can’t). And next to Natty Light, it’s the most scrumptious and thirst quenching liquid on the market today (if you want to talk non-liquids it's gonna have to be bumped to #3, behind Natty and Skoal for all you keeping score at home).

A Couple of quick facts about water: It was first founded 4.55 trillion years ago by God (shout-out to the bro of bros, fresh job thus far), it's wet (like Dan Majerle from 3), and it comes from the sky.

Now imagine a world without water (aka Africa). No oceans, no rain, no snow, therefore no gnar to ruthlessly shred, and worse, no Shark Week, among other things. No slip-and-slides, no fresh diving boards, no bongs. The list goes on. And you can forget Bobby Boucher, because without water, the Waterboy simply doesn't exist. I haven’t brushed my teeth in 3 days, and based on the pain my gums are in right now, I’m starting to think Skoal might actually be bad for you (if that slip-and-slide shit didn’t sell you, that has too).

Bottom line here is that if somebody doesn’t step up and fix this water mystery soon, we may be saying so-long to one of the oldest and beloved bros of all time. Get well soon water, we all miss you.

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